Dixy's wedding and some thoughts

My friend/former roommate DixyAnn got married on Friday. I was an "unofficial attendant" so I spent the day with Dixy and our friends in celebration of her marriage to Matt Smith, who's a pretty cool guy. =)

She got married in the Logan Temple. She had a luncheon up in Logan, and then a ring ceremony and reception down in Salt Lake City. Her colors were black, red and white, and she had the reception in her single's ward bishop's backyard.

There were no major catastrophes, but I got to pondering about the value of stress. This followed a conversation/critique of Mormon weddings from a friend of mine, who was derisive about the lack of wedding planners in most Mormon weddings. So I was more alert to the fact that Dixy seemed to be under an undue amount of stress throughout the day. There were details that could (should?) have been handled by somebody else, but that fell to Dixy and Matt. The reception ended at 8:00, but at a quarter to nine they were still there, trying to organize everyone and make sure everything was taken care of, instead of leaving for their honeymoon. Small things that added up over the course of a day that should have been enjoyed, rather than still needing to be organized. Small things forgotten that should have been planned for in advance.

Like I said, no major catastrophes. And the reception did come off rather well. I just wonder, if it had been me, would I have instead trusted someone else with those details? I'm at least as controlling as Dixy, and I like to have things done my way (especially on wedding day!!) but I think it's still possible to get what you want while entrusting someone else to make sure things are run smoothly the day of. That's all I'm sayin'.

Funny story: so, Matt and Dixy forgot the garter at home, so they sent Christopher (of all people!) home for it. Under the guise of taking a long time to find it, he went to Wal-Mart and made a copy of their house key (SO Chris). We decorated Matt's car (rather lavishly--we had a little too much fun!). Dixy bought a new car recently, and literally threatened our lives if we touched her car. But after the newlyweds drove away, we decided to decorate their HOUSE instead of her car!

There had been some fake rose petals that were just going to be tossed after the reception, so we made a rose-petal path from the door to their bed (which we even made for them). Also, we took pictures of ourselves in their house with their camera, which was far too much fun. And Justin hid their shoes all over--kitchen cupboards, medicine cabinet, on the shower rod. Random, but really funny. At any rate, we had a good old time--even got the approval of Dixy's mother!

It was a good day spent with friends. I hope that Matt and Dixy have a great time on their cruise, and hopefully they don't catch the swine flu!

The Value of Hard Work

Today is Friday. Normally I am a great lover of Fridays. There's just something about them that makes them seem infinitely brighter than the rest of the week. Maybe it's the imminent freedom of the approaching weekend. Or maybe the sun just shines more on Fridays (not that it seems that way on this rainy day!!) Today's Friday seems particularly bright, however, because I am pretending the roadshow does not exist. That's right. Today there is no roadshow. It will come back tomorrow in full force, but for today I am blissfully ignoring its existence.

What I really wanted to write about today is the somewhat abstract concept of hard work. It's been on my mind as I watch people and society around me. Our society has grown remarkably lazy, as no one will hesitate to point out. People (I use the term in its most vague and general terms) seem to expect rewards to simply be handed to them. Jobs. Diplomas. Money. I see this at work a lot--people who call in wanting refunds, because times are hard, and expecting to get money just for the asking. Well, friends--times are hard for us, too.

Hard work is not a concept I have appreciated in every part of my life. I have had my lazier periods--still do, in fact. There are a lot of nasty or difficult tasks that come through a persons' life.

However, I am coming to appreciate just how beautiful and important hard work really is.

There are plenty of platitudes out there about hard work; I will try to spare you. But with utmost sincerity I can tell you that when you really work for something, when you work so hard you think you'll explode with the stress of it, when you've given everything you have and still you are asked to give more...well, I believe that's when you really find the value in it, whether it's a job, education or church, a relationship or a friendship. Putting in the effort gives these things value.

I look at my college experience, particularly in the theatre. My last show there, Henry V, was immensely challenging. It required hours upon hours of effort, and every last drop of ingenuity I had. I gave it my all, everything and more that I had to give. There were other shows like that too, but Henry V truly stands out as the crowning jewel of my experience there. I loved that show. And it's because I wanted to enjoy it. I wanted to be happy, working as hard as I was. And amazingly enough, it worked.

I look now at my singles' ward experience. Through college, I never had a ward that I really cared about. I always wanted cool callings, and was regularly disappointed by the things I was asked to do. My efforts therefore were lackluster--I went to church, I played the piano in Sacrament meeting or whatever my calling was, but that was the extent of my efforts. But my current ward...I went in with the desire and intention to challenge myself. I asked for a challenging calling--not a glory-filled one like I had always imagined that I 'deserved', but something that would stretch me and my skills, something that would take effort and preparation. I was called as a gospel doctrine teacher. Since that calling, nearly everyone I have told of it has sympathized, bemoaned my fate. And yet...I don't find myself complaining. It's difficult. It's a lot of work. It scares the crap out of me every single time. But...I wouldn't give it up for the world.

I look at this roadshow. I have been commended for taking it on, but honestly, I didn't think about it twice when I was asked. And it has been so rewarding--challenging, certainly. Frustrating at times. Chaotic and maddening. But I've gotten to know more people, I've gotten to write and direct, to teach a little and to enjoy these wonderful people who have sacrificed of their time to participate. Throughout the entire experience, I have not begrudged the work and the time and the effort, because it is so worth it!

I don't mean to be self-righteous, and I don't mean to preach. This is more a self-exploration of these things anyhow--realizing that when I have given of my efforts as selflessly as possible, I have enjoyed the experience more. I want to explore the things that I have realized are important.

My point here is that the joys of hard work apply everywhere, to everything. Nothing in this life is going to be easy, and if it is you're probably doing it wrong. The Gospel of Jesus Christ was not meant to be easy--we have to work for it, every moment of every day we have to restore our faith and our desire to follow the direction we have been given. Our daily life was not meant to be easy--we should find ways to challenge ourselves, to force ourselves to grow and improve. Whether its through work or hobbies or friendships, we will be happier if we are active and involved and seeking to challenge ourselves. And when the trials come--hardships through family or finances, through personal challenges or deep questions, my response to you is the same: just keep trying, and have faith. The same goes for relationships, whether with spouses or siblings or children or aunts or cousins or friends, close or the barest acquaintence. Relationships are not easy. They take work, hard and something grueling effort, whether to overcome anger or to overcome apathy, to fight the little annoyances, or to win their heart each and every day. Nothing worthwhile is easy, and if you stop working to keep the things that are important to you, you will lose them, more often than not simply through your own indifference.

Election Day

I really wanted to vote this morning before work, but then I didn't get up as early as I had wanted to, and I feared--rightfully--the lines at the polling place. Our head programmer was over an hour late to work today because of the voting lines, so it turns out a good thing that I waited. However, I think next time around I will make a greater effort to get up and vote early.

And so, at 5:00pm I made my way to my polling place over at the junior high, where I was admitted promptly, quickly tapped my way through the ballot, printed, ejected, got my puny "I Voted!" sticker, and left. It was all rather anticlimactic, I'll admit.

I've been idly discussing with my cousin the high hopes of turning Utah into a blue--or at least battleground--state, and the idea holds a great appeal. I'd like to live somewhere where people don't scorn me for saying that my vote--or theirs!--matters. A place where the vote isn't taken for granted, but where there is real question and the outcome of every persons vote DOES matter.

Today at work, out of boredom more than anything, I ended up discussing Prop 8 with my coworker. This has become a national debate, the results affecting far more than just California citizens. Cindy and I could come to no conclusion. I still don't know how I feel about it. On the one hand, I have many gay and lesbian friends, and a big part of me supports their desire to marry and have the same legal status as hetero couples. On the other hand, I have my religious beliefs that state a marriage is between a man and a woman. I wish that it didn't have to become a legal issue, and could remain a religious battle. In my mind, what right--what honest, legal right--does a government have to define, limit or impune upon the rite of marriage? Is it not strictly a religious observance in the first place? And yet, due to differing and contending belief systems, it has become an unfortunate and violent legal battle, and an exhaustive one at that.

At any rate, I just wanted to say that I am proud to have voted today, proud to have supported my candidates in this tight race--if not in Utah, then at least across the face of this ridiculous nation.

My cousin's wedding

On Thursday, my parents and I flew to Louisiana for my cousin Audrey's wedding. First off, I would like to reiterate my love of driving. I would rather drive just about anywhere. The only reason I can see to fly is to save time. It's uncomfortable, it's nauseating, it's crowded and cramped and you don't get to see anything but the inside of the cabin and the back of some guy's head in front of you. Ugh. Yes, I would much rather drive.

Anyhow, we finally made it to New Orleans, where we waited in line for ages at the Hertz rental station for our "mid-sized vehicle"...a Toyota Corolla. Don't get me wrong, I love Toyotas, and hope to own one some day--a pickup truck, actually--but I in no way consider a Corolla "mid-sized."

We drove up to Baton Rouge, to the LDS Temple there, and I proceeded to sit in the waiting room for three hours while my cousin received her endowment. Unfortunately, I hadn't brought much with me for entertainment. I wrote for awhile--I'm working on a new novel about wilderness conservation--and I read the September Ensign cover to cover, and I paced for awhile, and there at the end I started reading the Book of Mormon in Spanish, next to the copy in English. I learned the coolest word: Todopoderoso. It means Almighty (as in, the Lord God Almighty.)

I met my cousin's husband (to be, at the time) for the first time that night. He's an older guy (37 to her 19), but he's aging well, and at first glance I would put him in his mid or late twenties. He has a definite Canadian accent, which is even more apparent next to her Southern version. He talks a lot, and he talks mostly about the house he's building, which I suppose could get old after the third time you heard it. But he seems like a fairly nice guy, and I decided after three days of knowing him that he wasn't a total creepoid. However, the relationship was very odd at first glance. They never touched, no hand-holding, no shoulder-hugging, no arm-brushing. And they hardly ever looked at each other. They are strangers--physically, if nothing else. I found it very odd, disconcerting.

My parents and I have stayed at my aunt and uncle's house in Thibodaux (tib-oh-doh), where we have spent time with them, my cousins, and some of our other family who came in for the wedding. On Friday, we spent the morning decorating at the church. I will admit here and now that I am a controller, a decider. I often find myself in charge of various operations I engage in, and decorating was no different, until another woman, from the ward, showed up. Talk about too many chefs in the kitchen! With my aunt, uncle, both parents, two cousins, myself and this woman, there were just too many thinking heads. Eventually I escaped to play the piano in the other room, rather than exploding at anybody. I didn't know a better way, and I wasn't about to fight with anybody just to tell them their way was dumb! However, there is a happy end of the tale to come.

Friday afternoon we went to a wedding dinner at a Chinese buffet in Baton Rouge, which was nice. They had decent sushi, a pleasant surprise. I took cameo pics while my dad acted as the wedding photographer, since the one they had planned to have fell through after the hurricane here. After dinner, we fought traffic in BR to make it to the temple just in time to change, take a few pictures, and hurry in for the wedding. I sat outside with my 10-year-old cousin Julia and we both got eaten alive by mosquitos, but got some good pictures. Afterward we all drove back to Thibodaux. My cousin and her new husband got to ride in the back of her parents' van together, and upon reaching town, they went to the hotel to be alone together for the first time ever. Yes. Ever. If I ever received the kind of supervision they got from her parents, I would strangle someone.

Saturday we bummed at the house until it was time to go to the church. The happy end to my earlier tale was how lovely the reception turned out. The decorations ended up being quite tasteful, and speaking of, the food was delicious, and there was lots of it. There was a live jazz band, which was lots of fun, although there wasn't nearly enough dancing. The bride and groom hardly danced at all. They hardly spent much time together, either, which is just one of the many oddities. Talking to my aunt later, she remarked on the oddness of her daughter, and we can only hope that she outgrows it with time.

Sunday morning we went to church with the family. Afterward, the whole family gathered to try and help my cousin repack her four ENORMOUS suitcases, which contained 90% light, summer clothing which she will certainly have no need of in her new home of northern Canada. However, she stubbornly retained this vast wardrobe, and so we sent her off with her bulging suitcases, on to a new and hopefully happy life.

Today we mostly just hung out. My father the fix-it man took care of some odd jobs for my aunt and uncle while they were at work and school. My parents and I, upon my aunt's recommendation, went out to lunch at a pleasant little Southern restaurant in town. I had a crawfish pasta in a Cajun cream sauce, which was delicious. This evening, we taught the family the Totally Insane Card Game, which I have discussed in previous posts. And of course, I am staying up this evening to make a midnight run to Wal-Mart in order to purchase Iron Man.

Overall, I can only conclude that my cousin is odd, and hope for her happiness. She is very reserved, and doesn't express her emotions openly whatsoever. It was impossible, at any point, to discern whether she was happy, but she went through with the marriage, and so now I can only hope that she can find support and happiness in Canada, and that she will grow to love her stranger-husband and his family, and her new home.

Something of being an adult

Adult relationships. I'm not talking romance, I'm talking friendship, between adults. It's a lot different than childhood friendships, or even college-buddy friendships. But, as I am finding, they are still extremely satisfying.

Are you still friends with any of your high school buddies? (I am speaking to you, my compadres who are in or have graduated from college.) I mean really friends, you go to their house, spend hours in their company on a regular basis. If you are, I congratulate you. You are one of the lucky few. (Or is it unlucky, in your case? j/k)

Friendships, I have found, are such a tentative thing. They are beautiful, don't get me wrong. My friends are a crucial part of my life. But so often they are dependent on mutual circumstances and a frequent almost-necessity of shared company. Take high school--you probably have some classes together, you most likely eat lunch together every day, and sometimes you hang out for a couple hours after school. These are mutual circumstances--the rigors of high school--and frequent almost-necessity of shared company--simply being in the same place every day.

College is a little different, because the scheduling is a little more scattered. In this case, your friends are most likely your roommates, or people you spend a lot of class/club time with, like a shared major. Sometimes these friendships linger after the circumstances change (ie old roommates). Sometimes they don't.

But what about afterward? And particularly following a marriage, which usually changes circumstances and shared experiences drastically. What happens after you move in different directions, or when you no longer share an apartment, or when you no longer see each other every day, or...ever?

A lot of the time, friendships fail. They just diminish, and there's very little we can do about it. We still call, every now and then, we email and say hi on Facebook and Myspace. Eventually those drop off in frequency too. It's human nature. We'll still think fondly of each other, still remember the good times with a laugh. It just will be a thing of the past.

On very rare occasions, we are able to maintain friendships simply by virtue of the depth of the initial relationship, or by changing the boundaries of the relationship to include the new circumstances. A best friend that you call often to talk, even though you can't be together. A married friend whose spouse you also befriend to stay close, taking part now in their shared existence. These friendships are the ones who have hope of continuing, the ones that both parties are dedicating to continuing. These are the adult relationships. They may or may not have the fervor of the previous friendships enjoyed, but they will have a maturity and depth that will surpass them. These friendships will have a beauty and a value to cherish in the years to come.

...both a drug, and not a drug...

Everyone should have a group of friends with whom they can do absolutely anything, or be absolutely anybody. Everyone should have this intimate circle where everything is okay, and yet you still strive to make the most out of yourself to please these other selves that have somehow actually come into being.

I don't think any of the ACIDS read this blog, or they might be embarrassed by the depths of my feelings. I often say how much I love (and often miss) the ACIDS--my core group of friends from high school, who--despite them all marrying and now starting to have children--have remained some of my very best friends in adulthood. Just this last Christmas we inducted Sam's wife Ashley, which made us five. And I hardly ever feel like a third wheel. We're just family--and I have no idea how I will ever get a sixth element to mix into it, but that's neither here nor there.

Today was my 'brother' Michael's 22nd birthday--"Over the Hill" said the card I gave him with a laugh. That makes it about eight and a half years since our friendship began. Boy, just saying that makes me feel old.

These are my true sibs, my blood-brothers and sisters, though different genes flow in each of our veins. With these, I know I will always be able to come back, and find things the same. Different, and yet infinitely the same. Sam and Michael will still do the scary clown, and Whitnee and I will always roll our eyes. Ashley will always be there, sardonic and yet so lovable. And I fear that Sam and I will always quote movies (if not Pirates 3) at each other, and he will always, always inspire my creativity like nothing else in the world.

I value all of my friends dearly, but also very differently. There are things you can tell your best friend that you can't tell your brother, just like there are stories you shared with your brother that are never quite as funny to anybody else. The ACIDS are these sibs, who will always have my adolescence in their hearts when they look at me, just as I do theirs.

Meeting Expectations

I've discovered over the years that there are certain people whom I will always want to please or impress--some to a greater degree than others. I can pinpoint these people, and I have a good relationship with each of them, albeit a very different relationship in each and every case.

For instance, there is my best friend. I always crave her good opinion of me, and I simultaneously always crave her own happiness. At the core of our relationship, however, is our religion--I feel that the closer I am to my religion, the more peaceful our relationship is. HOWEVER, this is the one person who I can completely be myself with. There is no one else whom I so completely trust, with every aspect of my life. I think everyone should have such a person.

I have another friend, a very close friend. We've gone through four years of college together, pursuing the same career--sometimes a cause for contention or competition, but most often a source of mutual aspirations. Despite everything, I always want to impress this dear friend with my prospects--where I'm working for the summer, where I'm going in six months, my dreams and goals. We've shared them for a long time. But recently we've kind of met a fork in the road--he got into grad school and I didn't. But in addition to that, I've realized that this road we've been traveling together isn't one I want to be on anymore. But, because of the nature of our friendship, I don't know how to explain to him that I don't share these mutual goals and aspirations anymore. The path that I want to take may not be as impressive to him, and I fear losing his respect.

There is my family, particularly my parents. For their sakes, I want to make something of myself. Pursuing our religion helps, but mostly I just want to be able to do things that make them proud of me. Oh, and my mother really wants grandchildren. I'll be perfectly happy to oblige her, as soon as I find their father.

I also have a favorite cousin, and I think for her it's good enough just to be myself. We've made similar mistakes, we share a lot of opinions, we share in the immediacy of our family, and she's honestly the one person whom I can talk childbirth with, without it getting awkward because I don't have my son anymore.

There are my high school friends--God bless them--who are dearer to me than nearly anything else in the world. For them, it's frequently a religion thing: am I dating, what's my calling, etc. They could often care less about my career, as long as its something that makes me happy. And as long as I'm doing SOMEthing. Hopefully soon I'll be able to remedy that. The only problem is that they don't want me to move away. My career would cause that, but my chosen career is becoming less appealing every day.

My professors, for the most part, want me to be successful at this chosen career--and NOT succumb to this religious inclination toward home and babies. Certainly, I want them to be proud of me also, but I think they are going to be the first ones I disappoint.

So what of myself? This is what puzzles me on a daily basis. What expectations do I hold for myself? They are often conflicting. I want to be successful, but as the days roll by, I more and more often question what exactly I want to succeed at. Certainly, there is much temporal glory to be had by being a woman pursuing a career. I have wanted that. But do I anymore? The older I get, the less that seems to matter. I used to mock women of my age (and younger) who settled down and started their families, without ever pursuing anything outside the home. I thought "They're not making anything of themselves, they're wasting their brains." But I don't really think that anymore. There are plenty of important things to do, at every stage of life. Pursuing a career is very grand, and I would love to do it. I love the theatre, I love the arts. But I don't think I could be content living that life. There is so much more to it.

I guess the greatest expectations I have to meet are the ones that HF and I work out between us--what satisfies His expectations while still generating my own happiness. I just have to figure them out, that's all.

Disappointment versus Devastation

I got two rejection letters today, one from UC Irvine and one from the University of Delaware.

Okay, so of course I'm disappointed. I really wanted to go to grad school. I'd be one of the first in my family to do so. It would have been a great experience. But I'm not devastated. My mother held me like she expected me to cry when I told her, but I didn't cry. Maybe I will later, I don't know. Frankly, I'm just glad I'm not waiting around anymore. Waiting to hear was even worse than knowing the answer.

Now, I can move on with my life. Where I'll be moving on to, I have no idea. I'd kinda been hoping to go to grad school so it would occupy the next three years of my life and I wouldn't have to make any big life-changing decisions. But alas, HF never makes things easy.

Next week is my last class in Phlebotomy. I have to pass the final exam, complete an externship, and then I'll get my certificate and be a phlebotomist. So far, I find it entertaining. Whether I can do it long term, I have no idea. But it's a place to start.

I am spending the summer in Pennsylvania again this year. At least I'll get a little theatre in 2008, even if its the weird version of my art that PGSA offers. I think it'll be fun, and help me not feel like an utter failure as a theatre student.

Realistically, looking back, I thought I'd be married by now. I still hope that will happen in the relatively near future, but as HF has taught me again and again, I can't stake anything on it--I just have to wait, and do what I can in that area to make things happen. Eventually it will work out.

So, yeah. I'm a little directionless right now, but I have hope and limitless possibilities (except, of course, that I'm limited from grad school!) I can go in any direction I choose, I just have to do that--choose.

The nature of Boredom

Okay, officially real life sucks. I mean, seriously, what do people do with themselves? I've come up with the theory that people (at least Mormon people) just get married to fill their time. I can't think of a single person I know besides my compadres who didn't get married either IN school, or directly after graduating. Most of my high school friends float that boat. They're in school or they're hitched, or they're in school AND hitched.

But without either of those two items in my life...it's empty. The hours stretch endlessly day to day. Dixy discovered this phenomenon recently, and really started complaining about it today--boredom filled the house.

I've kind of gotten used to it. I've grown accustomed to sitting at home all day long--it's gotten to the point where I don't want to leave the house. I read a lot. I've been trying to write (with only minimal success). I take random excursions sometimes, those are fun, but only by myself and only when I keep myself on a leash. I have a tendency to spend my money whenever I leave the house, and I don't have that much to begin with.

Poor Dixy. She doesn't enjoy reading as much as I do, and she's much more a social creature than I--how odd to hear myself say that! I used to be the most social person in the world (as I saw it), but the years have tamed that side of me, and these days I'm--almost--content to spend most of my days alone. Yes, it's lonely, but I don't freak out like I used to.

So, the nature of boredom. I think this particular bout of boredom (for Dixy and myself) has more to do with loneliness than actual boredom. It starts with having too much time on your hands. We're of a society that feels the need to fill every waking hour with some objective. So when one suddenly has free hours, one immediately feels the need to find something to fill them. For a social creature like Dixy or myself, those plans would best be filled with the company of other people. But without plans, it's impossible to invite other people (particularly young men who like structure) but without these others it's impossible to make plans. It's a strange paradox. So one feels frustrated by the lack of anything to do AND by the lack of other people to share it with.

As a matter of note, Dixy and I completely wasted our evening. We accomplished nothing. We didn't read, write, watch a movie, or anything. Dixy talked on the phone for awhile, I played the piano for a while, we both surfed the net for awhile. I think the proper phrase here would be "killing time." Watching it pass without doing anything to fill it, just waiting for the next meaningful moment.

I need a new hobby. Hobbies seem like a good way to fill this space. But the sum of it all? I can't wait to go back to school!

Inspired by Gregory

My friend Gregory recently posted a blog on his MySpace concerning a Life List. He described starting a list in high school, a list of things he wanted to accomplish during his lifetime. It echoed with me, because I happen to keep a similar list. As Gregory himself said: "... partly because I love lists and partly just for fun, I have decided to post my working life list. And I encourage you to create your own list—what do you want to do with your life?

So here are some of the things I want to do with my life: (in no particular order)

--Serve a mission.

--Publish a book (at least one).

--Learn to play the saxophone.

--Learn how to cook well.

--Go to grad school (I find out in March!!)

--Get married in the temple. (Really, what kind of good LDS girl would I be without this one?)

--Raise at least three children.

--Work on a Broadway tour.

--Stage manage all of Shakespeare’s plays.

--Work in politics. (Preferably in DC, because its a great place.)

--Learn to tap dance.

--Travel the world. (Vague, but really I just want to see everything.)

--Live in a big city—NYC, D.C., Chicago, Philly, London, or the like. At least for awhile.

--Live in a small town, at least for awhile.

--Live in another country, for awhile.

--Write a book with Sam. And actually finish it. Maybe it can be the one that gets published!

--Raise pets. Dogs, especially. Beagles.

--Work in publishing.

--Become bilingual, at least. The languages I would most like to speak are: German, Spanish, Russian, Italian, and Mandarin. Following those are the rest of the world's languages.

Forward and Back

It doesn't make sense to avoid happy things. Even when there is a projection of happiness waning, it just doesn't make sense to leave happiness behind prematurely. Especially when you can't clearly define what you're exchanging it for.

What is happiness?
What is contentment?
What is satisfaction?

I've been trying to answer these questions for myself. I've been job-hunting like you wouldn't believe, applying everywhere and anywhere--regional theatres, tours, off-Broadway; seasonal, conservatory, anything that smells like theatre and pays enough to pay rent. To be honest, I'm not having a whole lot of luck. Of course I'm discouraged, though I have the willpower to buck myself up every day and keep looking.

But I question myself. I've been very happy these last few weeks; I've spent a lot of time with friends who I didn't realize I missed so much. Good friends; bless them--guy friends. I've been dating for the first time in months. I'm bored, of course, but that's the holidays.

I could be content here. But could I be happy?

I could get a job--a "real" job, as I've been calling them--I could get an apartment in SLC or Provo, I could spend time with these friends before they all get married and the ones who already are start having kids. There's still time left in this part of our lives, and I could be here to enjoy it.

But could I be happy?

It goes back to the questions--what is happiness? I've always understood happiness to be more of a fleeting thing, but that contentment and peace are more long-lasting. They're what really mean something. A deep-rooted satisfaction is more pleasing that a transitory happiness.

And that leads to a deeper question that I never seem able to answer for myself. What do I want out of my life? It is a question I imagine haunts us all, at one point or every. For me, it comes down to the same question, every time: theatre or religion? Don't judge me! I feel your judgment. ;) It's not a simple thing, but I can ream it all down to that. I can pursue the theatre, my career, my individual life, that set of passions. Or, I can pursue what I see as my religion--a marriage, children, a settled life among friends and family. Another set of passions, though not as strong now, perhaps they could be.

Whitnee and Michael were married today. There was such...joy. Everyone there was just so happy for them. And despite the minor annoyances of wedding-day, they both were so happy. Nothing could interfere with their joy--this was exactly what they both wanted and needed, and they seemed so...fulfilled. Content. Satisfied. And happy.

I fear that I'm losing my drive. I fear that I'll hate myself forever if I don't pursue these dreams of mine, this passion for stage management, the craving for adventure across the face of the nation. There are sacrifices to be made on either side of my little fence. And I have no idea what I want.

A point of clarification

I guess I need to clarify: I have nothing against marriage. In fact, I would be quite up for some dating and maybe even a serious relationship, if the right guy came along, It's the expectation that drives me up the way. My mom telling me about nice RMs she meets. My aunts asking if I'm seeing anyone. My grandma telling me she wants to see some grandbabies before she goes. My grandfather telling me to get a move on. My friends commiserating and telling me that "he's bound to come along one of these days."

There is an expectation in my culture; sometimes I resent it. Other times I find it amusing, sometimes I despair. As I established at the reception last night, I am quite happy as a person, but I coat it with a healthy layer of cynicism. And I tell you what--there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Onward

Tonight was the wedding reception for my friends Jason and Tierra. It was seriously like a high school reunion, except without all the stupid people and the awkwardness--so many of my friends from high school were just there, talking and catching up and hanging out. It was fantastic.

I felt like a butterfly. I have felt socially castrated for months--months!--like I had forgotten how to flirt and make fun and be teased and flirted with. I had an absolutely great time at the reception.

Afterward, a few of us went to the Sacketts. We watched "Waiting for Guffman" (hysterically funny--all theatre friends MUST watch), but afterward I stayed with Scott and Josh, just chatting. What a release. Seriously. Just talking, talking about everything under the sun. It's been so long since I had guys to talk with. Gregory, you know I love you, but I can't flirt with you in quite the same way. ;)

I feel so old. All my friends are getting married.

I'm at a crossroads again. There are so many choices to make. I hate making choices, I really do. I like having a plan.

But most of all? I love my friends. I have so many great friends. I'm the luckiest girl in the world. Thanks guys.

Defying expectations

I'd kind of forgotten about Happy Valley.

"Now, listen," I want to say to them--people in my ward, my family, even some of my friends--"I'm not married because I don't want to be." It must be a foreign concept to them, so I try to be patient--a young woman not desperately anxious to be married as soon as humanly possible? My goodness!

My mother is the worst of all, because she puts her concern under this guise of playfulness. She tells me about cute single RMs she meets, or puts in little comments here and there about where I could meet guys. Don't get me wrong, I love my mom, but the not-so-subtle hints? Not-so-much.

What is it about this place? I'm almost afraid to drink the water or breathe the air too deeply. I'm attending five wedding receptions over Christmas break--FIVE. And all of them relatively or very close friends! Five! And you know, with the exception of Michael and Whitnee, they've all been dating less than six months. rolls eyes

I. Don't. Want. To. Get. Married. Right. Now. What is so hard to believe about that? I honestly don't. I'm focused on my career, my schooling. I want to go to grad school. If I get tied up in a relationship in Happy Valley, Utah, I can tell you how big my chances are of making it to grad school somewhere else.

If I wanted to get married, I would. If I had seriously wanted to get married any time in the last two years, I would have. In the lovely state of Utah, marriage is not that hard to attain. I could have hunted down a fine RM--or not--started dating, dropped hints, and voila, a few months (or weeks!) later I would have had a nice pretty ring and an apartment and his school loans to pay.

What Utah Mormons don't seem to get is the value in longevity. I am 21 years old. If I get married in this coming year, that means I'll be spending more or less 60 years with one person. In light of that time commitment, I feel well justified in taking my time being picky.

I have nothing against the institution. I do want to get married--just not right now. Right now is about my life, and when the time is right, then I'll settle down. Thus all the not-so-subtle hints? Not-so-appreciated.