Quitting my job, writing, and life: an update

My blogs have been neglected, I'm afraid. I'm not sure I can quite express to you the insanity that has been my life over the past couple of months. Suffice it to say, I have been a busy girl.

The biggest news that I wish to share with you is that today is my official last day at my morning job. No longer shall I be the friendly customer service rep. No longer do I have to rise early to answer phones and talk to grumpy people. No longer will I claw my eyes out over silly projects handed to me last-minute by my boss. Freedom is mine.

This decision was a long one in coming. I have been dissatisfied with this position for quite some time, but felt stuck by circumstance and finances. However, change is finally in motion. This fall I will be going back to school. I am not certain where yet--I am registered at UVU to get started on a second bachelor's degree. However, I am on the alternate list for the MSW program at the University of Utah. Obviously it would be my preference to skip two extra years of school and go straight into my chosen grad program. So here's to hoping that someone else decides to drop out of the program, so I get to go. They have until August to let me know...so we'll see what happens.

Needless to say, this intent to go back to school put a hard deadline on my time at this job. However, more and more I was getting the feeling that I should quit sooner.

My writing has been going very well. Sam and I finished our manuscript at the beginning of May. Before that time, we set some goals for ourselves and this book. The first was completion by the end of April, which we almost made. The next goal was to finish a full revision of our own by the end of May. This is still in the works, we'll see how much progress I can make this weekend. Our ms will spend the next few weeks in the hands of our first round of beta readers, then undergo a second full revision. Then in July we'll hand it off to our larger second group of beta readers, followed by a third full revision. The goal is to have the ms ready by the end of summer to begin the submission process to agents and editors.

I'm quitting my job for the summer to write. I just feel that this is what I'm supposed to be doing right now. These few months are precious time for me--in the fall, I'll be back in school and working, so my time to write will be very limited. I feel strongly that I am supposed to finish and pursue this book, so I'm taking this time right now to do so. It was hard to justify to myself--I mean, I may never make a dime off this book. It may never go anywhere. So it was hard to justify a REAL job and the bulk of my income for what may essentially just be a hobby. But after some earnest prayer and counsel from family and friends, I decided that for this summer, it was the right thing to do.

Incidentally...I'm really excited about the book. Co-writing with Sam has had it's challenges here and there, but overall it's been a great experience that we are eager to repeat. Together we've created something really strong, and I think that with the right timing, we have the potential to get published with it. I am very hopeful.

Other updates--Taekwondo is also going really well. I am picking up even more classes this summer, which is exciting. This coming month I will be competing at the Utah Summer Games. I'll be sparring, performing my form, and performing on our school's demo team, which is the shiz. I'm in the middle of a "diet" (not really, it's just eating better and being off sugar) trying to drop a weight class for the tournament. I'm super excited about this competition and everything else going on at the studio.

Life continues. I doubt it will get any less busy for these changes. But hopefully it will be a lot more fulfilling and enjoyable. =)

Figuring out what to do with my life!

I still haven't heard anything on grad school, but I'm having the feeling that it's not going to happen. Pending that, I've been looking into going back to school for a second bachelor's degree, in Social Work. A lot of thought is going into this decision. But in order to progress into a career that I will enjoy and in which I can actually find fulfillment, I have to get a degree in this field. Additionally, it will be easier to get into the Master's program with a Bachelor's degree in the field. I applied anyway, but it was a long shot. I can get work with a Bachelor's degree, but if I do decide I want a Master's, it will be easier to get into the program this way.

I've been looking into financial aid to start at UVU this fall. I found out today that since I have a bachelor's degree, they will WAIVE all the general education classes. This is a HUGE relief! As long as everything falls together properly, I would be able to graduate (again) in 2 years. Not too bad, eh?

I haven't made a final decision. A lot depends on whether I can get enough financial aid to get through school. But I have realized that I can continue on as I have been, in a job that I merely tolerate, or I can put in the time to get into a career that I will truly enjoy. Bear with me, dear friends, as I get everything figured out over the coming months. But I think I will be the better for it.

Work: Some new developments

You know I love Taekwondo, right? Well, I do. Lots. I've especially come to enjoy teaching Taekwondo, which came as a surprise to me at first. I love spending time with my students.

So when the opportunity was presented to work at the studio part-time, you may understand why I jumped at it.

Here's the story. A while back, I was talking to Whitnee (a co-owner and program director at the studio, and one of my very best friends) about some of the challenges the studio has been facing. Part of the problem was a lack of manpower--but also a lack of funds to pay for additional manpower.

I guess they made an executive decision that the manpower was necessary for further growth, because they approached me and offered me 15 hours a week of work at the studio--7 hours teaching and 8 hours in the office. Needless to say, I accepted. It means pulling my current job from full-time hours to part-time, which means losing my full-time benefits. But the sanity benefits are well worth the sacrifice to me.

I love Taekwondo. I love teaching Taekwondo. I love organizing things, I love maintaining order--which is what I'll be doing in the office. Compared to my job now--dull, mind-numbing monotony day after day--this is bliss.

I'll be starting in the office next week, and then we'll start introducing me to my new classes in the new year. Whitnee doesn't want me to get too overwhelmed before black belt testing--which is three weeks away, yikes!!--so I'll probably be hitting it hard mid-January and into February. I'll be continuing to teach my mixed children's class, in addition to a teens class (which is the most alarming--teens are harder to impress than kids) and possibly an advanced or intermediate childrens class. I'll also start assisting the childrens' sparring program, and I'm really excited about that. Sparring and I are tight. ;)

This, my friends, while crazy and somewhat irresponsible, this...is passion. Living it. And nothing makes me happier. Wish me luck!

Good News Bad News

Over at the Domestic Dork, "Good News Bad News" happens every Sunday, but Holly posts a lot more regularly than I do, so for me it just sort of happens whenever I feel like it. =) Here goes.

The good news...

• The color belts have Belt Test tomorrow at the studio. It's been about three years since I helped with a belt test, and I'm actually kind of excited. It's fun to see what our students are accomplishing, fun to sit up on the board and participate. It will be a long, but ultimately rewarding, day.
• Today is our end-of-the-month BBQ at work. I love these! And I think we're also celebrating all of the September birthdays...which includes me.
• My parents are coming home from Washington this weekend. I've missed them.
• I am officially going to be competing in at TKD tournament in October, and I'm freaking stoked. I'm sure I'll get my butt handed to me, but I'll have an awesome time doing it.
• It's Friday!

The bad news...

• I am so busy I can't even think straight. The only day this week I won't be at the studio is Sunday. (However, perhaps I should have included in the Good news, that I'm still enjoying it...just not enjoying that I never see my friends...or my novel...or really anything else...)
• I STILL haven't written my Liberal Arts Statement.
• I am missing the national board meeting of FSA tonight, and I'm frustrated and upset. We were suppposed to meet two weeks ago, but they up and moved the meeting to the day before belt testing, when I absolutely have to be at staff meeting for TKD. A friend on the board will be presenting my materials, but it's just not the same, and I'm grumpy about it.
• Work is boring. Thus...I'm blogging. I need to be more productive!

Check out the Domestic Dork for more bloggy goodness!

Profound thoughts of a profoundly profound nature

Or something like that...

The other day, I was talking to my friend Jameson about workplace satisfaction. He's in a business class, and they were talking about the factors that influence job satisfaction. Of course I don't know all of the details. But some of the things were pay scale and benefits, coworkers, and fulfillment from the work itself (among many other things).

Jameson found my situation interesting. I find my job itself to be tedious, indicating one factor of dissatisfaction. I like my workplace itself, I enjoy my coworkers, and my pay/benefits are acceptable. However, I am allowed to write in my spare time once my work is done, which influences my overall satisfaction with my job. While it's not the work itself, I do find satisfaction while at work.

I've been reconsidering some pretty major decisions lately--particularly my decision to go back to school. My major drive to go back to college is in that search for fulfillment. Because I'm not pursuing my original passion/major (theatre) for personal reasons, I thought that I thereby could not find satisfaction in a job that I could obtain without a degree in something else. Thus, I would go back to school to obtain that degree.

However, I'm finding that I can be fulfilled in other ways besides my job. I don't mind my job--I like the people, it's steady and consistent, and while there I can write, which is an enormous passion that I will always pursue. I've discovered that I can find a lot of fulfillment in my ward and callings there, and I'm getting involved in volunteer work that is like nothing else I've ever done before--and which brings me immense satisfaction.

So I don't know that I really want to uproot yet again. I really want to stay in my ward, I want to have some consistency there. And if I'm not unhappy, if I can find that fulfillment that I was looking for in the first place, I'm not sure I'd go back to school except for my obsessive love of school itself. At this point, I don't feel like I'm missing anything that could be gained by going back. So, while I haven't made a firm decision, I'm leaning toward staying right where I'm at.

The Value of Hard Work

Today is Friday. Normally I am a great lover of Fridays. There's just something about them that makes them seem infinitely brighter than the rest of the week. Maybe it's the imminent freedom of the approaching weekend. Or maybe the sun just shines more on Fridays (not that it seems that way on this rainy day!!) Today's Friday seems particularly bright, however, because I am pretending the roadshow does not exist. That's right. Today there is no roadshow. It will come back tomorrow in full force, but for today I am blissfully ignoring its existence.

What I really wanted to write about today is the somewhat abstract concept of hard work. It's been on my mind as I watch people and society around me. Our society has grown remarkably lazy, as no one will hesitate to point out. People (I use the term in its most vague and general terms) seem to expect rewards to simply be handed to them. Jobs. Diplomas. Money. I see this at work a lot--people who call in wanting refunds, because times are hard, and expecting to get money just for the asking. Well, friends--times are hard for us, too.

Hard work is not a concept I have appreciated in every part of my life. I have had my lazier periods--still do, in fact. There are a lot of nasty or difficult tasks that come through a persons' life.

However, I am coming to appreciate just how beautiful and important hard work really is.

There are plenty of platitudes out there about hard work; I will try to spare you. But with utmost sincerity I can tell you that when you really work for something, when you work so hard you think you'll explode with the stress of it, when you've given everything you have and still you are asked to give more...well, I believe that's when you really find the value in it, whether it's a job, education or church, a relationship or a friendship. Putting in the effort gives these things value.

I look at my college experience, particularly in the theatre. My last show there, Henry V, was immensely challenging. It required hours upon hours of effort, and every last drop of ingenuity I had. I gave it my all, everything and more that I had to give. There were other shows like that too, but Henry V truly stands out as the crowning jewel of my experience there. I loved that show. And it's because I wanted to enjoy it. I wanted to be happy, working as hard as I was. And amazingly enough, it worked.

I look now at my singles' ward experience. Through college, I never had a ward that I really cared about. I always wanted cool callings, and was regularly disappointed by the things I was asked to do. My efforts therefore were lackluster--I went to church, I played the piano in Sacrament meeting or whatever my calling was, but that was the extent of my efforts. But my current ward...I went in with the desire and intention to challenge myself. I asked for a challenging calling--not a glory-filled one like I had always imagined that I 'deserved', but something that would stretch me and my skills, something that would take effort and preparation. I was called as a gospel doctrine teacher. Since that calling, nearly everyone I have told of it has sympathized, bemoaned my fate. And yet...I don't find myself complaining. It's difficult. It's a lot of work. It scares the crap out of me every single time. But...I wouldn't give it up for the world.

I look at this roadshow. I have been commended for taking it on, but honestly, I didn't think about it twice when I was asked. And it has been so rewarding--challenging, certainly. Frustrating at times. Chaotic and maddening. But I've gotten to know more people, I've gotten to write and direct, to teach a little and to enjoy these wonderful people who have sacrificed of their time to participate. Throughout the entire experience, I have not begrudged the work and the time and the effort, because it is so worth it!

I don't mean to be self-righteous, and I don't mean to preach. This is more a self-exploration of these things anyhow--realizing that when I have given of my efforts as selflessly as possible, I have enjoyed the experience more. I want to explore the things that I have realized are important.

My point here is that the joys of hard work apply everywhere, to everything. Nothing in this life is going to be easy, and if it is you're probably doing it wrong. The Gospel of Jesus Christ was not meant to be easy--we have to work for it, every moment of every day we have to restore our faith and our desire to follow the direction we have been given. Our daily life was not meant to be easy--we should find ways to challenge ourselves, to force ourselves to grow and improve. Whether its through work or hobbies or friendships, we will be happier if we are active and involved and seeking to challenge ourselves. And when the trials come--hardships through family or finances, through personal challenges or deep questions, my response to you is the same: just keep trying, and have faith. The same goes for relationships, whether with spouses or siblings or children or aunts or cousins or friends, close or the barest acquaintence. Relationships are not easy. They take work, hard and something grueling effort, whether to overcome anger or to overcome apathy, to fight the little annoyances, or to win their heart each and every day. Nothing worthwhile is easy, and if you stop working to keep the things that are important to you, you will lose them, more often than not simply through your own indifference.

Bouncing

I absolutely LOVE writing at home.

These days, I do most of my writing at work. Because, gifted human being that I am, I can accomplish most of the tasks set to me in a day within the first two hours of the morning, on most days, I then spend the afternoons just waiting for emails to come in and the phone to ring. This leaves me free to occupy myself--which, when I can make myself focus, leads to literary production.

Because I'm on a PC at work, I use Microsoft Word. I will state here and now that for the purpose of novel-length writing, Word is terrible. And in general, I still despise Word 07, it's so hard to find anything. ANYHOW, when I'm at home, I get to use the wonderful, amazing Scrivener, which is the absolute perfect software for my creative flow.

An added albeit misleading benefit is that Scrivener counts words different, so I get a significantly longer wordcount at home than at work.

So this evening I came home, and uploaded the text I wrote at work today, inputting it in Scrivener. And lo and behold, my word length at home has passed 160,000 words.

I also just have to tell you that I am utterly overwhelmed by how entirely massive that is.

At any rate, this evening I embark upon a journey, which I hope is successful. My five-day challenge ends tomorrow, and I am so close I can smell it. So, dear friends, wish me luck. Me and Scrivener have a date tonight, and it looks to be rocking!

Life could be a lot worse

I get asked a lot, as I'm sure most people do, how I'm doing, how's my job, what I'm planning to do next. Not so very long ago, I got pretty uncomfortable whenever these questions arose (and this was magnified by the fact that, like most people, I get asked those questions on a fairly frequent basis).

I have come to the conclusion that life could be a lot worse. I look at my life now, and it's certainly not everything I want it to be. But I have a lot going for me, and I find that I can't really complain too much.

My job may not be the thrilling career that I hope to one day have, but on the other hand, I really enjoy the people I work with, AND it gives me plenty of time to write (when I can focus...ever the problem, I'm afraid). It gave me the freedom to buy a car that makes me immensely happy every time I think about it. And hopefully I can save up some money so that I can go BACK to school and pursue that thrilling career I'm hoping for.

I absolutely adore my singles' ward. It's by far the best ward I've ever been in, helped by the fact that for the first time in my life I was really ready to dedicate the time and energy to it that allowed me to reap the benefits I'd always wanted. My calling is challenging, but I'll tell you what, teaching Gospel Doctrine has already improved my life, and I look forward to it every time. Scares the crap out of me every time too, but I don't think that can be helped. :) OH! And the silly roadshow has been an immense challenge, but I'm getting to know people whom I wouldn't otherwise had the opportunity to work with. It's still going to be nightmarish to put all together in the next week and a half, but I look forward to the adventure.

So, I guess today I'm just grateful for all my blessings. I can work a little harder, and I can always improve things for myself and for others. But today, I'm grateful for what I have. And I'm grateful for all you unseen readers, and hope that you can find a little sunshine today. And may the heavens help me for spouting such awful cliches! :) God bless!

Milemarker and another goal

I have just passed 150,000 words in my novel. And is it done yet?

As I discussed earlier, I did not make last week's goal as set for me by my friend Michael. However, I've been given a new deadline, one which is significantly more feasible. Yesterday afternoon, Michael gave me five days to finish my novel. When exactly those five days start or end is questionable, but I've taken the goal to heart. Last night I stayed up far too late writing, and here I am at work writing again. Fortunately for me (but not maybe for my sense of focus) it's a slow day at work, which hopefully means lots of writing time--even a few minutes to spare for my neglected blog. So, basically--wish me luck!

P.S. On Saturday I saw 'The Curious Case of Benjamin Button' for the second time, and I just cannot express how much I enjoy it. It made my best friend weep for about twenty minutes. I didn't cry the second time, but it was still equally beautiful. I highly recommend it if you're in the mood for a drama or 'artistic' film. It's lovely.

A certain familiar aspect of my life, restated

I was reading the blog of Brandon Sanderson, LDS author of some of my new favorite books. He recently wrote a blog about his life as an unpublished author--the period in which he was writing before his first book was published. He describes the descent of his writing as he tried to write for the market, as he tried to write what editors were telling him people wanted to read, and how it made his writing worse. He wrote a full dozen novels before one was published. He also writes about a point at which he firmly decided that he wanted to write novels for a living, and his determination to do whatever it took to do it. Further on, he writes about his decision to go to a Master's program for creative writing, to surround himself with a community of aspiring writers. And then he writes about his first success--one of the very first novels he had written.

I guess it got me thinking, which I tend to do too much of anyway. Right now, I'm still planning to go back to school, at least part time, and I'm planning to study social work. I see this as a viable option, because it is a career I think I could invest in--if not passionately, then at least enjoyably. It's something I think I could find satisfaction in doing.

However, I've never given up on my desire to be a novelist. This one thing has never wavered--I have been a writer since I was a child, and I have never stopped for any real length of time. Sometimes I am embarrassed to admit this, and often I try to hide my work from those around me who take note of it. After all, novel-writing is hardly a lucrative business. And besides, there are thousands of people who claim to be writers, who either never finish a single full-length work, or whose writing is childish and unimaginative. I have known many such people, and these are what cause my embarrassment when professionals around me take note of the inordiante amount of time I spend with a notebook or a Word file open.

I fully recognize the flaws in my own writing. I am not a published novelist (though I do have some claim with a few short stories) and there is good reason for it. I recognize that I have potential that I have not yet reached.

I also recognize that I want to be a professional novelist.

Here is my issue with this declaration: only the very very lucky and the exceptionally talented writers ever get published. It's an enormous market, awash with mediocre manuscripts from aspiring artists who want to make the big bucks. And, as affirmed to me by Mr. Sanderson, one cannot write for the market. This was the biggest problem with my most recently completed project--I was trying, honestly attempting to write the next Harry Potter saga. And it failed, miserably. It's terribly childish. And I realized--even if I could not express it so eloquently as Mr. Sanderson--that I can't write FOR something, that I can't make myself write something that I don't have in me. Certainly, I finished the novel. It's a goodly length, with a handful of noteworthy ideas. But it is poorly written and even more poorly plotted. It's boring. As I have been told time and again by writers and writing instructors, I must write for myself first. If a writer does not enjoy writing something, why would a reader enjoy reading it?

And so I move forward with my life. I have escaped the dry, monotonous spell that my muse left me in for a number of weeks. I am adjusting to real life. I am becoming accustomed to the day-in day-out nature of a full time job. And in the midst of this mediocrity, I write. The words spill from my fingertips as they often have, until I cannot believe how many pages have been filled that day, and then again the next. And perhaps they are not the prettiest words, and perhaps it is not the most interesting plot, but the next one will be better, as this one shall be better than the last. And perhaps one day, it all shall be worth it. That, my friends, is what we call hope.

Can't we all get along?

I've been witnessing some unsuspected discrimination at work over the last few days.

Political discrimination.

Now, of course political debates are heated. Of course people disagree. Of course people argue when their political views differ. But I've never before witnessed discrimination based solely on political views.

Last week, one of my coworkers wanted a stamp, and the office manager wouldn't give him one because he intends to vote for Barack Obama. It was almost that simple. She had the excuse of not giving him company property for personal use, but down and simple, she wouldn't give him the stamp because of who he's voting for. I call that prejudice and discrimination.

Today, one of the programmers was RAILING against Obama, slandering his policies, and shouting for the entire office to hear that people who vote for Obama are idiots. He knows that I'm voting for Obama, as does the office manager, who just as loudly agreed with him. Again, I call that discrimination.

I find it bizarre. Of course, who you vote for matters. Of course who becomes President matters. But I don't think it should matter on a day-to-day level, so that people feel uncomfortable around each other, so that business is interfered. I've been discriminated against before, but never for this. Teased, yes. Mocked, yes. Mildly ridiculed, yes. But always in a way that I still felt proud to be a Democrat, that I still felt like I could stand up for my beliefs.

Today, I felt ashamed, belittled, and degraded. Last week, I felt the same way for my coworker who just wanted to mail a letter. This shouldn't happen. Not over this. Our political party system is flawed, but it took me 22 years to discover how much so.

Monotony vs Creativity

I had some down time at work today, and I opened a new document, fully intending to write SOMEthing, I didn't care what. I wanted to write, I had a bit of time to write, and I had every intention in the world of writing. I have two or three projects open right now that I could have worked on, or I could have randomly started something entirely new. Didn't matter to me.

Nothing would come.

Throughout most of my life, I wrote everywhere and anywhere. I have written during classes, during church, in cars (riding AND driving), on planes, in the morning, afternoon, evening and the dead of night. Sure, sometimes I have a little writer's block, every writer does. But today was different. Today, there just was...nothing. I couldn't think of a single thing to write. I was absolutely dry. I didn't much care for the feeling.

I think it's my life right now, especially my job. There is nothing, and I mean nothing whatsoever challenging about my life right now. I'm having some emotional and relationship challenges, but I don't consider that challenging, but interesting. I am at a level of monotony that frightens me. I need to bring some spice back in, or I am going to go totally dry, in more ways than just my writing.

On to the next challenge. On to greater passion.

Work and talk and stuff

I started my new job today. I'm working there in the afternoons this week, while I finish up at my other job, then I'll start full time next week. After my first day, I felt slightly like my brain would explode, but I have the feeling I'll get over it. The people make the job, I suppose, and I definitely like the people there. Hopefully that will make the difference. That and being able to wear whatever I want and listen to whatever music I want in the office. Speaking of which! If you haven't heard, definitely check out Pandora, by the Music Genome Project. It's basically online radio, but without commercials, and you can personalize your own stations to play the kind of music you like. It's way cool, take a look.

In addition to the insurance responsibilities I've been discussing, I'm also on the verge of taking over my own wireless payments--the last vestiges of a time when my parents paid for everything. Alas, adulthood. At any rate, I'm thinking about switching service providers. In talking to friends and coworkers, I've determined that almost nobody is entirely satisfied with their cell phone service, and I can't seem to get any straight opinions on anything. With that in mind, I'm searching out the cheapest plan that appeals to me the most for whatever arbitrary reason I happen to come up with. In that light, I'm seriously considering switching to T-Mobile, unless any major objections come up in the next bit. They're a little cheaper than everybody else, and they fit my needs perfectly. I really like the "MyFaves" plan--since I only talk to three people with any regularity, it makes sense to make those three free minutes, since they're all with different providers. Ergo and so forth. Any thoughts?

New job

I have a new job. I was hired today by a network security company in American Fork, to work as a receptionist/customer service busybody. I really like the people I've met so far at the company, and we'll see about the job itself. It's full time, with those benefits I was ranting about earlier. The only downside is the necessity of quitting my present job at Walden, which I have honestly been enjoying.

Does life ever just make you grumpy? There's nothing to be done about it, so you have no choice but to accept, no matter how you feel about it? It does me, sometimes.

Insurance and other meddlesome things

Insurance.

Yesterday, I wrote out a check for my year's worth of car insurance. It's gone down considerably, as my youthful speeding tickets have finally been dropped from my record. Still a chunk of money, but I stressed less about it this year than in those past.

However, another fact of life is looming in the near future, as my parents are none too slow to remind me.

My health/dental/vision/etc insurance will disappear in January, as I am no longer in school. I've had the fortune to have a cushion of many months, due to error on part of the insurance company. However, the cushioning is at an end, and come 2009, I am responsible for my own little self.

It raises an issue I'd rather avoid, but cannot. With one (or even two!) part time job(s), I get no health insurance. Right now, I'm working about 25 hours a week. I have been hoping and hoping and wrangling to get more hours, but even if I were to get the max I could possible have, I still would not get benefits, as the school cannot afford to pay them. I have been so hoping that Walden would work out despite all the issues, because I have been enjoying it so much. But it looks like I'm going to have to face reality.

I've been hoping to find a second part time job to bring in more money, but even besides the benefits issue, there are others. The most sad and important of which being that Walden is inconsistent. Much as I love the people there, they are extremely fly-by-the-seat-of-their-pants. (I hesitate to use the word flaky no matter how appropriate.) Yesterday I worked a full eight hours. Today I worked five. What is tomorrow, or the next day? How can I get another job, if I can't even guarantee when I get off every day? I'm working a "real" job to find consistency--without that desire, I'd be working in the theatre as my art-soul wishes. I thought maybe I could find balance here, but apparently not.

I love Walden School. Already, I do. But I need to be realistic. I have to be an adult, no matter how much I want to avoid it. I need to save money, and I need to take care of myself. If Walden can't commit to me, I need to go somewhere else. Sad, but true muffins.

Life updates

Yesterday, I taught a stage management master class, which was optional and open to all the students here. I had seven attendees, which I am told is a decent number for this workshop. I taught for about an hour and a half, and we were crunched at the end because I ran into dinner. My students were engaged, they asked questions, they laughed, and I felt like it was a success.

It was a kind of test, for myself. To see how I liked teaching. Granted, I know I can't get a real sample from one small workshop, informal, teaching one subject that is most familiar to me. However, it was, as I said, an experiment. It was surprisingly nervewracking! I wanted to hold their attention, I wanted them to respond, to ask questions, to laugh. And they did, which was swell. But I'm not sure that I really liked it. Teaching, for me? Who knows.

Now I'm knee-deep into theatre rehearsals. This year I'm stage managing the theatre department's "Round 2" performance, a show called "Ivona, Princess of Burgundia". It's an interesting piece, the directors are doing some unique things with it. I'm reserving judgement until it's over, because the process is guarenteed to be...interesting. I'm stepping in a week before the show, to learn it, get to know the cast and directors, then call the show. It's totally unrelated to anything that happens in the real world. (We're getting the set design...today...hopefully. We load in in two days, tech the day after. This is craziness.) So if I utterly disappear for some time, it's not because I'm dead. Well, hopefully. My brain may be leaking out of my ears, but hopefully I'll still be alive.

I have no real thoughts today. It's hot, I'm tired, and I have no down time. I'm currently watching the BBC's Robin Hood again (the second season comes out on DVD next month), I'm halfway through "Eclipse" in preparation for next week's "Breaking Dawn." My hands hurt--one of my fingers has been twitching for several days, and now both hands are starting to ache. If I get carpul tunnel, I'm gonna kill somebody. Oh, and I really want to cut my hair. Like, all of it. But I must perservere in the hopes of growing it out.

That is all. Peace.

Fireworks

You know, I can't remember the Fourth of July very well? It's just not a holiday that stands out very well in my mind. Last year, of course, I was a lamesauce loser and didn't really celebrate the Fourth. I remember thinking how lame I was at the time, that I should be out watching fireworks or something, which indicates to me that I usually do watch the fireworks, but my memory being what it is, I can't really say. Last year, I watched "The Queen" the night of the Fourth, which was incredibly ironic to me--celebrating our nation's independence by watching a film about Britain's monarch. Lamesauce, but in an entertaining way.

That being said, this year I thoroughly enjoyed the holiday. Friday afternoon we had an Interdepartmental concert--a recital that consists of student work from across our program. Music, dance, theatre and creative writing, and occasionally some video projection from the visual arts students. That was fun. I had most of the afternoon off; I did some shopping, bought Vantage Point (good flick). That evening, we played Guitar Hero in the shop for awhile, testing out our new outdoor movie screen. I actually didn't die, which was progress. Then the whole crew climbed up to the roof of the theatre to watch fireworks.

This was no ordinary fireworks-viewing. The city of Erie sits literally on the banks of Lake Erie, and slops upward from there. As such, the theatre (being probably the tallest building on campus) sitting on a hill overlooking the bay, had a clear view of the multiple fireworks displays up and down the waterfront. We had a 180 degree view, with fireworks going off in every direction. It was the sweetest thing EVER. I wish I could've taken a picture, but you'd seriously need a powerful panoramic shot to really capture the experience. It was so cool.

Then it was back to work pulling off the pit cover--an adventure in and of itself. But it was still fun, all of us there together just gettin' it done. Then it was home to watch House. Yeah, I have become re-obsessed. :D

strange new grief

I can't even express how agonizing it is to be away from my family right now. My 'niece' Elaina is suffering, and the doctors are reaching the limits of what they can do for her. Her mother is trying to deal with the decisions she will soon be faced--whether or not to take her daughter off the ventilator, whether to stop the suffering. I'm glad that Hollie's parents are there with her, but I wish more than anything that I was there with her too. I feel so helpless. I can't express in words what I want to tell her, not over the phone or over email or blog. I want to hold her, I want to see Elaina, I want to be there with them. I've never felt anything like this before, and I don't know how to deal with it. I've never been incapable of supporting someone before. I've never been devoid of my own comfort when I needed it. This is why families are drawn together at times like this--they need the physical, nonverbal support of one another's presence. Right now, I can't offer or receive any of it.

I'm scared. I'm scared for Elaina, I'm scared for Hollie, and I'm scared for everybody that cares about them both. That includes me.

I wish I was there.

A Day's Work

Today, I wrote. I'm working on a piece of what I like to call "contemporary fantasy". A novel, perhaps even a children's novel, but we'll see.

I started writing my second chapter today--my kids' first day at school. Its rather a special school, so I wanted to serve up the details, but I'm not sold yet on what I accomplished. The chapter is very long, and it covers all their classes, but not in any kind of depth. I skim through each class, introducing the topic, the teacher, and in most cases a bit of dialogue. But I'm wondering whether it wouldn't be better to skim a bit more in some places and a bit less in others. But I guess that's what revision is for, eh?

Today I also created 41 new characters--other children at my school. There are about 100 all told, but these I created to reference at need. You would not believe how difficult it is to create, at whim, 40-odd people from nothing, and have them all be different and in some way unique, especially when applying rules of a not-quite-normal world. But there they are, and hopefully they get a bit more fleshed-out over the years.

Tomorrow I begin the third chapter, where we meet the fourth (of four) protagonists. I'm very excited. Today I established what might be my favorite character, but that remains to be seen. I love writing! These are my babies, my children of the present. I watch them grow day by day with great excitement.

Oh, and today I decided that even though I really don't like Temple of Doom, I still really like Harrison Ford, and that I'm really excited for #4. Oh, and I decided that I like David Cook after all. I didn't like him at first, but tonight I decided I like him. I still think Archuleta will win (simply because he has thousands of teeny-boppers AND the producers behind him), but I can also support the rock-star career of David Cook. We hope, anyway.

Waiting in line

You do it at the grocery store.

You do it at the dentists office.

You do it at the bank.

So why do people think it's going to be any different when they come to get their blood drawn?

I mean, seriously folks, if you're going to the hospital--for any reason--you should expect to wait. You'll wait in line to get registered, you'll wait to get shown where you need to be, then you'll wait to have your paperwork processed, then you'll wait to see the nurse/doctor/phlebotomist extraordinaire. If you're on a tight schedule, you should just come another time, because you'll just stress yourself out doing all that waiting, and it's not worth ANYbody's time to have you yelling. So just breathe, sit back in that waiting room chair, and relax. It'll be over before you know it.