strange new grief

I can't even express how agonizing it is to be away from my family right now. My 'niece' Elaina is suffering, and the doctors are reaching the limits of what they can do for her. Her mother is trying to deal with the decisions she will soon be faced--whether or not to take her daughter off the ventilator, whether to stop the suffering. I'm glad that Hollie's parents are there with her, but I wish more than anything that I was there with her too. I feel so helpless. I can't express in words what I want to tell her, not over the phone or over email or blog. I want to hold her, I want to see Elaina, I want to be there with them. I've never felt anything like this before, and I don't know how to deal with it. I've never been incapable of supporting someone before. I've never been devoid of my own comfort when I needed it. This is why families are drawn together at times like this--they need the physical, nonverbal support of one another's presence. Right now, I can't offer or receive any of it.

I'm scared. I'm scared for Elaina, I'm scared for Hollie, and I'm scared for everybody that cares about them both. That includes me.

I wish I was there.

A stranger died today

His name was Charles, or Charlie. He was a baby, 9 months old, with a heart condition called HLHS. His parents love him very much.

I guess all I can say is...don't take life for granted. People lose loved ones all the time. Even when you know its coming it can take you by surprise. And its never easy.

Chris suggested that maybe I go to a treatment center

I killed Bertie. One week, that's all he lasted before he died.

What kind of monster can't even keep a goldfish alive for more than a week? Me, that's what kind.

I have this abnormally strong reaction to pets dying. Like, I can handle people dying, even people I know well and love. I was in the house when my grandma died, I went to my grandfather's funeral. These bother me on an emotional level, but I can handle it like a normal person.

Pets dying, though, is another matter entirely. I just freak out. Can't handle it. The cold little bodies... It just gets to me.

Bertie's bowl was in the living room. After visiting him this morning and realizing he was dead (which actually took me about twenty minutes to finally conclude [I thought he was sleeping]) I couldn't bring myself to go in the living room for about two hours. I just stayed in my bedroom, or skipped over to the kitchen, averting my eyes from where he rested. I couldn't even be in the room.

After a while I realized how ridiculous this was. For a time I held the hope that one of my roommates would come home and take care of Bertie so I wouldn't have to. However, it was about 10 o'clock in the morning, and my roommates are hardly ever home, let alone in the middle of the day. So I worked myself up to do it.

First I went and got the little fish-net, and put it in the bathroom. Then I went and did something else for awhile.

Then I went and got the bowl. I tell you, I was shuddering and shivering the whole time, totally freaking out. I didn't even look, I just locked my eyes right out in front of me as I walked to the bathroom. I didn't turn the lights on. I set the bowl on the counter. Then I took the net, fished Bertie out, flung him into the toilet, flushed, and ran. I washed my hands in the other bathroom for about five solid minutes before I calmed down.

I haven't been back in the bathroom yet. Bertie's bowl is still in there. It gives me the heebie-geebies just to walk by.

I know this is not normal. Normal people do not have this kind of freak-out over a dead goldfish they've only had for a week. I just can't handle it, I don't know why.

I need a shrink.

Touching the Lives of Millions

President Gordon B. Hinckley has provided inspiration and leadership to a generation. He is *my* prophet--the prophet I will always claim, as my parents claim Spencer W. Kimball. He is the first prophet I remember well, his words have guided the most tumultuous parts of my life. I am glad he is now with his wife, and surely proclaiming the gospel far and wide in the spirit kingdom.

President Monson has already claimed my heart, in a different but wonderful way. He has been prepared by President Hinckley to take the reigns of the Church, and he will be an amazing prophet in his own right. My prayers are with him.

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