The Plague

I just despise being ill. It's such a waste of time! A colossal, monumental waste of time. Sure, I enjoy the sympathy. I enjoy being babied a little by those around me, particularly when I can plead successfully with my mother to get Chinese. Oh yes, these are the perks. And just about the extent of them, because my friends, being sick is just about the most miserable thing on the face of the planet. I have spent the last three days feeling like my head is going to explode at any moment, and sometimes it does in the form of violent sneezes, while the rest of the time I'm so stuffed up I can't hardly breathe. Sleeping is a joke--I spent half my time trying to breathe, and the other half failing to breathe, and the entire time being completely uncomfortable and generally miserable. And this is just a common cold! I've never really had any terrible illnesses, but thank you ma'am, this is well enough for me! Guh!

strange new grief

I can't even express how agonizing it is to be away from my family right now. My 'niece' Elaina is suffering, and the doctors are reaching the limits of what they can do for her. Her mother is trying to deal with the decisions she will soon be faced--whether or not to take her daughter off the ventilator, whether to stop the suffering. I'm glad that Hollie's parents are there with her, but I wish more than anything that I was there with her too. I feel so helpless. I can't express in words what I want to tell her, not over the phone or over email or blog. I want to hold her, I want to see Elaina, I want to be there with them. I've never felt anything like this before, and I don't know how to deal with it. I've never been incapable of supporting someone before. I've never been devoid of my own comfort when I needed it. This is why families are drawn together at times like this--they need the physical, nonverbal support of one another's presence. Right now, I can't offer or receive any of it.

I'm scared. I'm scared for Elaina, I'm scared for Hollie, and I'm scared for everybody that cares about them both. That includes me.

I wish I was there.

Long week/end: summary, nothing profound

I've spend most of this week up at Primary Children's with my cousin Hollie and her daughter Elaina, who had open-heart surgery on Thursday. Updates at Hollie's blog. It's amazing how stressful waiting can be. I mean, you're just sitting around, or pacing, or both, you're not really doing anything physically taxing, but I'll tell you what, by Thursday night our whole family was exhausted--none less so than little Elaina-bug and her mama.

Hospitals are fascinating places. You would not believe everything that goes on there unless you spend a lot of time there. I've also found that ICUs are way busier than other parts of the hospital--constant action, streams of people coming in and out. Doctors, nurses, therapists, technicians, janitors, social workers--entirely besides patients, parents and visitors. And you would not believe the Sounds! I sat for a few minutes with Elaina and just listened, identifying sounds. I mean, there's monitors watching every bodily function she has. There were bubbling sounds from the chest tubes sucking liquid from her lungs and chest. There's the ventilator pumping, breathing for her. There's people talking, in the rooms and out at the nurses' station. People washing their hands, the automatic towel dispenser nearly giving me a heart attack every time it went off. I mean, this is a hopping place! And Primary's, as I think I've said before, isn't like most hospitals. I mean, for one thing, its full of children, which entirely changes the aspect of the place. But for another, there's a lot more hope there than at other hospitals. Maybe because its children, or maybe its just because its a special place, I don't know. I think it takes special people to work there, and they sure make a difference.


On a different note, today was something of an adventure. My best friend Melissa is turning 22 next week, and because of my job I am going to miss it again this year, so I told her I'd come up this weekend and do whatever she wanted to do. So last night we went to the drive-in movie in Roy (or is it Ogden?). I'd never been to the drive-in before, so I was pretty excited. We took some lawn chairs and a bunch of blankets, and we set up between two cars with their windows down--we had pretty good surround sound! It's always a double feature there, so first we saw Kung Fu Panda--it was funny, but definitely a kids movie. Then we slept through Indiana Jones--but at least I'd seen it before! We didn't get home until after two, but it was fun.

I spent the morning with Melissa and her family, then I headed south. I had lunch with Gregory at a little Frenchie restaurant downtown called Les Madelines. I had a Sesame Chicken Wrap, which was quite delicious, and a pastry dessert that I couldn't even begin to spell or pronounce, but which was nevertheless delicious. And, of course, I had a chance to chat with my Gregums, which was wonderful and well-needed.

Next stop was a brief visit at Primary's--I sat with Elaina for awhile so that Hollie could take a nap. I wish I could have stayed longer! My hope is that Hollie can get some rest tonight, she's wearing herself pretty thin.

Then it was down to T-ville to visit Dixy. We never ended up having our LOST party--we were trying to set up a date that we could watch LOST together, but it didn't happen. I'm just glad I got to see her. We went grocery shopping and picked up some father's day cards, then she had to go to work.

I had been planning to stop over at my birthfather's house for a little while after that, but my sisters were gone and 'step-mom' Jenny is sick, so I ended up driving over to my Pop's work to say hi and give him his card and return "Meet the Robinsons" which I borrowed last week. It was good to see him, I'm glad I went--he would've been mad if I hadn't seen him before leaving for PA. He's way too good to me!

Then it was home to Orem at last--I feel like I haven't been here for days, because of all the time I've spend in SLC this week, so it was good to come home and crash on the couch for awhile. Poor little Ben's really sick--he's been puking on and off all day, even since I've been home. Rough day for the poor guy. But we watched Toy Story 2 together, then it was off to bed.

So, I leave for Pennsylvania on Tuesday. I'm driving out, planning to take three days to get there. It's something over 1800 miles, and the largest chunk comes first--I'll be driving to Kearney, Nebraska on Tuesday, to stay with my uncle there. My aunt--Hollie's mom--will be here helping Hollie and helping take care of Ben. I'm actually pretty excited about the drive, but we'll see how it goes.

Crazy day

Today I blogged for my cousin Hollie, since we had a crazy day together in the hospital with Elaina on the verge of surgery. Check it out on her blog.

A day for gratitude

I spent the day with my cousin Hollie at Primary Children's Hospital in SLC. Hollie's little daughter Elaina had a procedure today--a heart cath--in part to prepare for open heart surgery next week. It was a very stressful day for Hollie, waiting for news, getting only one progress report through the afternoon, and the procedure took a deal longer than it was supposed to. Poor Elaina has a big old bruise on her leg, but otherwise she came through fine, thank God and all those whose prayers have been with this little bug.

Primary Children's is an interesting place--it's bright and cheerful for a hospital, with lots of color, friendly nurses and doctors, and lots of support for families. The hospital reserved Hogle Zoo for the evening, just for the parents and families of children in the hospital. Ben and my parents went while Hollie and I waited for Elaina to get out of the PACU (Post Anesthetic Care Unit). But at the same time, its a hospital for children--a place where children unfortunately suffer. They suffer with the greatest care available, but they suffer there nonetheless.

I think we sometimes take a great deal for granted. Hollie and I talked about this a little bit today. I look at new mothers who walk around with their children, who stand in line at the grocery store with babe-in-arms, and I think of Elaina, who has spent nearly her entire five months of life chained to an oxygen tube and heart monitor, and often lots more than that. Elaina, who's usually on half a dozen medications or more just to keep her alive and as well as she can be. Elaina, who's going in for her second open-heart surgery at five months old. Elaina, who is the most beautiful, patient and good-natured baby ever.

I think sometimes we take a great deal for granted.

Surrogate mother

This week, I've been staying at my parents' house in Orem, taking care of my 'niece' Elaina. This little one has been through the mill. She was born a month early, with DiGeorge's Syndrome. She had heart surgery when she was about a week old, which meant she was at Primary's for nearly the first month of her life. She came home for a couple of days, caught RSV and went straight back. She spent three more weeks at the hospital, then finally was able to come home. Two days later, her mom was diagnosed with Influenza A. The doctor told Hollie not even to be in the same house as her kids, so she called my parents and asked if they could take the kids, which they did. Elaina is still on oxygen, as you can see, as well as an oxygen/heart monitor, so her movement is pretty limited. Hollie's parents came to stay with my parents for a week to help take care of the baby, and when they had to return to Nebraska, I came down from Salt Lake to stay through the remainder of Hollie's illness to take care of Elaina and Ben.
Elaina is the most darling baby in the world, and so sweet-tempered. She's been giving us some scares--some of her medicine upsets her stomach, so she's been throwing up. The first time it happened, they had to call the paramedics because she stopped breathing and turned blue--but they got everything sorted out and she was okay. Yesterday, she spit up three times in the space of 24 hours, so we took her to the doctor. He gave us some pointers to keep her from doing it, but really praised us on her care, said she was doing great. The really scary thing is that it comes up through her nose as well as her mouth. It just looks more terrible than it actually is, and it's no fun for anybody. We have to suction out her airways, replace her airtubes because they get spitup in them, we usually have to change and bathe her because she gets it all over herself--its just a lot of fuss that nobody really enjoys. Hopefully she won't do it anymore!

The really funny part is our dog, Suzy Q. Now, this dog has always been pretty protective of Ben, Elaina's five-year-old elder brother. Whenever Ben goes out to ride his bike, Suzy runs right along with him. She loves playing with him. She's only about two years old, and having Elaina in the house has really mellowed this dog. As you can see, she's become Elaina's Nanna--she is SO protective. She'll just sit there next to the baby's bouncer for hours, and she's always sniffing and watching Elaina. It's so cute.
Caring for Elaina has been a real joy. She's such a pleasant baby--even when she fusses she's just so cute, you just want to make her happy. She's at the stage where she's starting to focus on things with her eyes, and she's really getting expressive with her eyes and face. She's gaining more control of her hands, enough to push me away when she doesn't want to burp! Soon she'll be able to push her binky back in her mouth when she drops it--which is all the time. Caring for Elaina just makes me want my own babies, and right now!

Mercy...

...can come in many forms and disguises. It can come to help, to assist, to magnify, to warn and alert. It can cause us to work or it can finish our work for us. But it makes us whole.

My math professor has agreed to change my D+ to a C-. She'll take care of the paperwork when the school gets back from break, but essentially I'm in the clear, I'm a graduated woman. You have NO idea what relief I'm experiencing, the joy that I can at last share with my friends. Thank you, everybody involved and responsible for this little happening.

I had a job interview today. I essentially have the job, if I want it. But it conflicts with URTA. I wrote the schools to see if they are willing to move my interviews, but regardless, I'm wavering about the position. It just doesn't feel right. My friends--theatre or no, religious or no--you have to trust your gut. Furthermore, you can't take the first offer that comes along just for fear of not getting another. There are other jobs. This one is good, it sounds like fun, but it just doesn't feel right. Besides, grad school comes first.

I've been sick today. The flu, we think. A 24-hour bug, I think, because I'm starting to feel better. But it's left me some time to think. I was reading in Genesis today, kind of for the heck of it, really (as ironic as that is.) You know, Jacob got pretty shafted by Laban. He works seven years, hard labor for Rachel, then last second Laban swaps out for Leah. Although, me and my naughty little mind had to wonder what kind of customs they had that would mean a whole night with Leah before Jake figured out it wasn't his little sweetie. But you know, Leah has over half of Jacob's kids--six sons and one daughter, that we know of--and still Jacob doesn't love her. She dedicates her whole life to serving him and trying to win his love, but never gets it. God made Rachel barren for a long time, to compensate Leah. She was able to bear sons and Rachel wasn't, because God had mercy on Leah. Because Jacob didn't love her. He always just loves Rachel, even after she dies in childbirth on the way back to Isaac. Her whole life. She must have felt very lonely.