In for the long haul

So, I now work at a charter school in Provo as a receptionist/secretary/mailman/firewatcher/all-around-get-'er-done person. In fact, my first day on the job, one of the teachers brought all of the first graders out to the front office to meet me. I was introduced as "Miss Valerie", the person who can help you call your mom or give you a band-aid. :)

The first two and a half days were absolute chaos--phones ringing every five minutes, parents coming in equally often needing things I didn't know where to find or even if they existed, besides the fact that the building is still under construction, so there are contractors all over and people tracking dust in from the unfinished parking lot. And this is just first through sixth grade--the middle and high schoolers don't come until next week along with the kindergarteners!

Today felt a little more normal, despite the fact that our trainer wasn't here today. My coworker Sashalai and I kept things under control with only a modicum of chaos, and were relatively productive. I was quite proud of that.

A couple of the teachers asked me today if I think I'll stick around, or if I'm going to run away like the last girl. Every time, I smile and say, "I'm in for the long haul."

The Incredible Hulk

In brief, way better than the 2003 version! Still nowhere near the league of IronMan or Dark Knight, but a decent superhero movie. Although, I must say that every time Edward Norton spoke after a Hulk episode, I was surprised by how feminine his voice sounded. Oh, and Liv Tyler was totally underplayed. As, I think, was William Hurt. And they spelled his name wrong once in the credits. Anyway--decent movie.

Incidentally, for any Orem/Provo folks: don't ever again go to the dollar movie by the University Mall. They are no longer doing any upkeep on it, the whole place is falling apart at the seams. Seats are coverless, and the cones in the speakers were blown, it crackled the entire movie. Not worth even a dollar.

!!!

AH!!!!

That's all I have to say.

Casinos have never been a temptation before now....

I spent this past weekend with my birthfather [Jason], his wife [Jenny], my sisters, and various sundry relatives, at Jenny's family's property somewhat above Strawberry Reservoir. This is the second time I've been up there, the first time I'd met some of the various sundry relatives (although, I'll admit here that I enjoyed these sundry relatives much better than some of the sundry relatives that were there last time. But this is irrelevant...)

Spent the weekend relaxing, fishing (which is still very new to me), chatting, watching movies, reading, and--my personal preference--playing games. I just have this thing about playing games. Any games, board games, card games, whatever. My family doesn't play a whole lot of games, because there just aren't enough of us to play much more than Settlers of Catan, which, admittedly, we enjoy, but still don't play that often. So up at camp, there's a whoooole bunch of us, and games abound. I'm in heaven.

We brought up Pit, which I have discussed before, being one of my all-time favorite group games, following closely behind Apples to Apples. However, I get quite enough of Apples during my PGSA summers, so Pit was definitely high on the list. We also played Phase 10 (not my favorite--I need to get this fambily to play Shanghai), and the Totally Insane Card game. However, at some point (I think it was only yesterday) my sister Danielle asked if we could play poker, as their uncle has a nice poker set he keeps up at camp. So Dad obligingly brought out the set, and proceeded to teach me various versions of poker. I can't even remember all their names. But after several hands of just being confused, I asked about Blackjack. He tried to explain it to me, but I asked D and her bf to play a round with me so I could get it better. And HOURS later, we were still there, playing Blackjack. And we played again after fishing that night. And again this afternoon.... Seriously addicting, and I have no idea why!

On a side note: I don't like teenage boys. I guess I liked them when I was a teenage girl, but no longer. I particularly don't like teenage boys who date my teenage sisters. It may be a bit overprotective of me...or maybe it's just the teenage boy thing. Anywho...

I was also faced with the discouraging fact that my other family all have, to my dismay, thoroughly enjoyed "Breaking Dawn." Now, I admit and will continue to admit, that I need to read the book again in order to really decide how I feel about it. And I'll give that my earlier review was perhaps more negative than really necessary. After all, there were definitely points that I enjoyed. However, I--currently--still stand by my dislike of the book. I found it to be overall disappointing, and was a little discouraged that my sister(s) and Pops did not so far agree.

On an entirely separate note, last week before I left for camping, I gave a rough draft of my novel over to its first readers--two of my very best friends, Sam and Ashley. Now, Sam will gush and tell me how wonderful it was no matter what he thinks of it, and then perhaps give me a tentative review while I try to drag details out of him. This I am prepared for. However, Ashley is an entirely different matter. Ashley is one of the pickiest people I know, particularly when it comes to movies and books. She is incredibly picky about what she likes and doesn't like, and I am INCREDIBLY nervous about her reading my book, especially in the precarious rough-draft stage it is in. But giving it to Sam meant also giving it to Ashley, and I so I just have to hope that she will be sensitive with my baby, just after I have cut the umbilical cord and let someone else's eyes rest upon it the very first time. It's terribly nervewracking!

And now...on to the job hunt!

Direction and purpose

School is cool. Real life sucks.

This evening I was talking to Melissa (my best friend) on the phone. At one point in the conversation, I said something to the effect of, "Melissa, let's go back to school. Where do you want to go?"

This led into a discussion about the virtues of USU in Logan, and we "decided" we would go next year, once her student loans from our first time around are paid off.

I'll tell you what--even the half-kidding declaration of going back to school made me feel better about life.

I've been feeling pretty directionless for some time, since before my December graduation, even. Theatre is something of a dead end for me. Don't get me wrong, I love theatre and I love stage managing, probably more than anything I could ever choose to do, except maybe writing. But (long story short) I crave mental, financial, and spiritual stability, none of which are available with a career in the arts. This summer was so very fulfilling, and if it could go on forever, I would be set for life. But alas.

So now I'm home and facing the rest of my now-empty life and wondering what on earth to do with it. I applied for a half dozen jobs this morning, and will continue to do so, but I consider them "filler" until I can figure out what I really want to do. Going back to school is actually a viable option, as I have and will continue to discuss. Going on a mission is still in my frame of reference. Wailing in frustration is--at least internally--a constant.

No matter what happens, though, I need to find direction and purpose. I can't live without it. I have driven myself for too long--and been going without for too long--to continue this way for much longer. Coming from "Ivona, Princess of Burgundia", we must go onward and upward forever.

On the road again

One more day of journeying, and I will be home to Happy Valley, Utah. On Sunday, I left sunny Erie after a fond farewell to some of my favorite people on the planet. I drove south, heading toward I-70. I passed Columbus (skipped Cleveland), and I passed through Dayton, OH, where I got gas for--to my elation--$3.62/gal. This was the lowest price I saw until that evening, but I'll get to that. I got lunch just before Dayton, eating in the car because I didn't feel like stopping. I passed through Indianapolis in the early afternoon--it was smaller than I thought, passed in a few eyeblinks, long enough to take a crappy camera-phone shot out the window as I drove. I stopped for dinner somewhere between Indianapolis and St. Louis. It was a choice between a Steak and Shake and Denny's, and I went with Denny's purely because I knew if I went to S&S I would have to get dessert. Ergo, Denny's was a form of resistance. :)

I got to St. Louis just as the sun was setting, which (thanks to the smog-cloud) was absolutely beautiful. All I got to see of downtown was a few glances over my shoulder as I headed out toward my aunt's house, but that was good enough for me. I saw the arch and everything, then crossed the Mississippi River into the state of Missouri proper.

I stayed Sunday night and all of Monday at my great aunt's house in St. Louis, mostly to see my great-grandmother. My grandma lived with my family in Orem for about ten years, 1996-2006 (I think). A large, very important chunk of my life, anyhow, spent living across the hall from her. She's 92 now, and she has dimensia. She can't really remember anything from one moment to the next. She has very little to no memory of her life. She spends her days watching old family videos and going through family albums looking at faces that look like strangers to her. She doesn't even recognize herself in the photos. It is, admittedly, very sad to see her like this. But it was still good to see her, good to see that she is as happy as she can be. We talked for awhile. I went through a photo album with her, explaining who everyone is. Afterward she turned to me and said, "Well, you sure know a lot about us!" She asked me every hour or so if I was related to her, and I would explain again who I was. But this morning when she got up, she recognized me from yesterday. That was something, at least. I am glad that I went.

And so today I have journeyed out of miserably hot St. Louis (with the heat index it was 113 degrees yesterday! It's like walking around in a very humid sauna.) I drove across Missouri, then up toward Iowa, then across Nebraska. I listened again to "The Host" on CD, because none of the bookstores I visited had anything more interesting to offer me.

On this note, I have visited Barnes and Nobles across the face of this silly country, and am pleased and disappointed to report that they are all the same, except that the one in Des Moines is still the biggest and most memorable. On this trip alone, I have been to B&N in Orem, UT, Omaha, NE, Des Moines, IA, Cleveland, OH, Erie, PA, St. Louis, MO, and Lincoln, NE. I'm rather proud of that fact, too. But it doesn't help that audio book collections are still limited, and still prohibitively expensive. Phooey.

Tonight I am staying with my aunt and uncle in Kearney, NE. We just got back from a lovely dinner at a steakhouse in town. As they proudly told me--and I heartily believe--Nebraska is well-known for it's beef. I had a delicious filet mignon, preceded by calimari and a house salad. My steak was accompanied by this strange potato dish that none of us really liked much. I cannot recall what it was named, but it wasn't cooked nearly well enough.

Tomorrow I will continue my trek across I-80 home to Utah. I cannot wait to be home, to see my family, Hollie, Ben, Elainabug, the silly dog, my friends, my own bed. Then this weekend I shall be going camping with my birthfather and his family--I don't know yet when we are leaving or when we will be back, but I'm excited to go. I do so love my fambily. But after that, it will be nice just to rest for awhile, before picking up my life and figuring out what to do with it...

Breaking Dawn Review--spoilers abound

Firstly: I need to read this book again to really be sure of my opinion, so bear that in mind during the following points:

1. Biggest. Cop-out. Ever.

2. Life is not a happy ending, and writers who try to pretend like everything can really work out...are stupid.

3. Jacob-Nessie=a little disturbing, no matter how you try to think about it.

4. Nessie? I mean, c'mon.

5. It wasn't even written that well! The whole first chapter or two was crap; she should have started the book earlier, told all that stuff in present tense instead of all the memories and dreams and crap. As the wise Dr.P once said, dream/memory sequences are crap. Move the action FORWARD, not back. And that's just the beginning! She totally skimmed through the wedding, which was weak sauce, and then the WHOLE FREAKING MIDDLE OF THE BOOK wasn't even from Bella's point of view! WTF??!! And it was just waaaay too long. I can't even tell you what took 750 pages to tell, because I don't feel like that much happened. I mean, in six months, Bella got married, had a kid, turned into a vampire, and saved the free vampire world without lifting a finger. Woohoo. We-e-eak sauce.

This gets me into another point. I have no idea what point Stephenie Meyer was trying to make with all this. I mean, she's got girls as young as 9 reading these books, and apparently she would like to tell her millions of readers that it's okay to get married at 18, and that having a baby makes everything better, especially for your best friend that you totally screwed over, which was just way too convenient for me. Oh gee, Jake can't find somebody to imprint on, so I'll just create him somebody new and interesting--never mind that it's the freaking offspring of the girl he loves. But back to the point--apparently Stephenie Meyer doesn't mind telling young girls that as long as they have somebody to look out for them, everything will be okay. Never mind college, don't worry about money or REALITY, everything will be okay with your hubbie and kid and little stone cottage in the woods. Everything will be hunky dory with your whole 'family' around you to watch out for you forever.

Bella didn't grow. I expected her to have to mature, FINALLY, in this last book. I expected her to have to make some big sacrifice so she would grow up and really--no matter his prejudices--be worthy of Edward. But no. Bella never had to sacrifice anything. She got her husband, she got her best friend, she got to keep her dad, AND she got an impossible kid to boot. Never mind that she's 18, and didn't even WANT kids. Oh! AND Jacob gets to be happy and stick around too. Never mind that it's SICK in so many ways. I don't care how you look at it. There's no redeeming value there, except as an interesting--albeit SICK--plot twist I NEVER saw coming.

Overall, Breaking Dawn summary once again: Biggest cop-out ever. As far as I'm concerned, the series ends with Eclipse, and I can fantasize my own--better written--conclusion to what was an epic saga.

Happy Pioneer Day...wish I had it here!

Do you ever notice certain words that stand out for you? When you're not really listening to something, to someone else's conversation, are there certain words that you pick up automatically? Words that hold special significance for you, perhaps?

Sitting backstage at a poetry/fiction reading this evening, I unfortunately couldn't hear the words very well. No backstage monitors turned the stories and poems into mush to my ears, with only every few words standing out. However, in both the technical rehearsal and the performance, one story--one word within one story--stuck out, even though I couldn't hear what the rest of the sentence was about.

"Church"

I find that, especially here, mention of religion always perks my interest. Especially when I hear it from my coworkers, I often catch myself thinking they are talking about me. The misfortune of being religious among a group of others who are not particularly so.

"Obama"

Ah yes, always. "Democrat" and "Republican" get me sometimes, but not as often. "McCain" just puts my hackles up.

Things that I'm interested in get me, too. "Creative writing" and "Stage management" always perk my interest. Here, that's enough to get a crick in your neck, since there's a whole department of creative writers. Stage management, not quite as much, since there's only two of us.

I wonder if we are hard-wired, if our ears pick out certain words simply by association, regardless of our interest, or if we secretly have a constant fascination with certain things, which results in our mind subconsciously being aware of these in-passing references.

Life updates

Yesterday, I taught a stage management master class, which was optional and open to all the students here. I had seven attendees, which I am told is a decent number for this workshop. I taught for about an hour and a half, and we were crunched at the end because I ran into dinner. My students were engaged, they asked questions, they laughed, and I felt like it was a success.

It was a kind of test, for myself. To see how I liked teaching. Granted, I know I can't get a real sample from one small workshop, informal, teaching one subject that is most familiar to me. However, it was, as I said, an experiment. It was surprisingly nervewracking! I wanted to hold their attention, I wanted them to respond, to ask questions, to laugh. And they did, which was swell. But I'm not sure that I really liked it. Teaching, for me? Who knows.

Now I'm knee-deep into theatre rehearsals. This year I'm stage managing the theatre department's "Round 2" performance, a show called "Ivona, Princess of Burgundia". It's an interesting piece, the directors are doing some unique things with it. I'm reserving judgement until it's over, because the process is guarenteed to be...interesting. I'm stepping in a week before the show, to learn it, get to know the cast and directors, then call the show. It's totally unrelated to anything that happens in the real world. (We're getting the set design...today...hopefully. We load in in two days, tech the day after. This is craziness.) So if I utterly disappear for some time, it's not because I'm dead. Well, hopefully. My brain may be leaking out of my ears, but hopefully I'll still be alive.

I have no real thoughts today. It's hot, I'm tired, and I have no down time. I'm currently watching the BBC's Robin Hood again (the second season comes out on DVD next month), I'm halfway through "Eclipse" in preparation for next week's "Breaking Dawn." My hands hurt--one of my fingers has been twitching for several days, and now both hands are starting to ache. If I get carpul tunnel, I'm gonna kill somebody. Oh, and I really want to cut my hair. Like, all of it. But I must perservere in the hopes of growing it out.

That is all. Peace.

The Dark Knight review--spoilers abound

Really good movie. Not sure how I feel about it yet.

In all honesty, Heath Ledger's Joker outshone every other member of the cast, hands down. And no, it's not just because he's dead. He really outdid himself here. The Joker was creepy, funny, and--surprisingly for a comic book character turned bigscreen villain--believable. A truly masterful performance, which I could have wished for in a whole other movie, but alas.

Christian Bale was something of a disappointment this time around. I loved his performance in Batman Begins, where he managed to turn this comic book antihero into a human being with real motivations. He (and the screenwriters, to be fair) didn't seem to feel the need for much character development this time around. Oh sure, there was his conflict regarding the necessity for keeping Batman around, but that's just because he wanted to be with Rachel. ***SPOILER*** Once Rachel was gone, there was no longer any real need to get rid of Batman, ergo the conflict disappeared.

Now, Aaron Eckhart is something of a newcomer for me, I haven't really seen him in much before, but I was pleasantly rewarded by his performance. Nothing really stunning, but overall a good choice. ***SPOILER*** His Two Face was so graphic as to be distracting, though. Once his face got seared off, I didn't really pay attention to anything he said, I just kept staring at that terrible face. I am surprised that they killed Two-Face off so early; he easily could have been the villain in a third movie, especially now that Heath Ledger is gone--anyone who tried to pick up The Joker from there would be crazy.

Maggie Gyllenhaal was as big a disappointment as Katie Holmes was. WTF?

Michael Caine and Morgan Freeman were, as always, underappreciated and underscripted. Alfred's jokes seemed a little forced, trying to lighten the tone of the movie, and his relationship with Wayne seemed a little too old-hat, nothing new there. Of course, this is tied into Batman's lack of development; it only makes sense that his cronies would suffer a similar lack.

Jim Gordon/Gary Oldman had some nice step-up moments this time around. ***SPOILER*** I absolutely loved the moment when Gordon meets Bruce Wayne after the latter's lamborghini gets smashed. Nice reminder of the Wayne/Batman duality, which we didn't have nearly enough of.

The plot was a little involved this time, too. The stint in Hong Kong didn't really seem to serve a good plot purpose, except to show off some more Bat-gadgets. The Joker's plan certainly could have been developed a little closer to home, and the screenwriters could have introduced the sonar similarly.

However, I simply loved the Dent-Dawes-Batman-Wayne love pentagram, and frankly the Joker was so fascinating it couldn't help make up for the rest of the movie's flaws. The ins and outs of his battle with Batman kept the entire audience on nerves' end throughout the movie--we kept expecting him to pop out of nowhere in every scene, and still we were startled whenever he did.

All I can say at this point is that the movie appears to have been misnamed; it's not really about the Dark Knight, but about his greatest nemesis, who will never be so great again.

Blogosphere

I feel like I'm part of the wrong generation, as far as blogging is concerned. And as weird and unnatural as it may sound to say, I feel that I'm too young for my preferred blogosphere.

Most of the people my age that I connect with via blog are still using blogs as either a space to rant, or as a literary commons, or some mixture of both. Nothing wrong with this, of course.

However, many of the moms I connect with via blog are using their blogs as something much more interesting--a regular, sometimes daily, dialogue about their lives. This is not a journal by any means, but a specific, often satirical commentary on what goes down around them. And often it's not just specific events, its these women's opinions and thoughts on the world around them.

It's fascinating! It's what I try to use this blog for, rather than a diatribe about my personal life. A social commentary, written from a single viewpoint, acknowledging that not everyone will agree, not trying to really sway anybody, just out there for anybody who's interested.

What's more (and something I wish I had a bit more of) families are using blogs to keep up with each other. My son's adoptive mother keeps a separate blog just about him, that has limited access for people she knows, so she can protect him. But this is an easy, fast way to keep family updated about what's happening in his world! We can see pictures and videos and read stories, without her needing to write a dozen emails every day.

My cousin Hollie uses her blog in a similar fashion, keeping friends and family updated on her daughter Elaina, who's still in the hospital after her third open heart surgery. She doesn't have time to call thirty people every day with updates, but a blog satisfies almost everybody.

And then there's just the housewife's blog, the woman who writes about people she met that day, or things she read, or thoughts she had. This is the truly fascinating blog, the one written by ordinary, everyday people, who can turn their ordinary, everyday lives into something entertaining and thought-provoking for other people.

I wish I had a blog community. I don't fit into the "Mom" circle, because I don't have kids to blog about, and unfortunately that is a major component of those "housewife" blogs. And my own circle of blog-friends are not "regulars"--they don't hunt around and read each other's blogs every other day, they're only on when there's something significant happening in their own world. (Not that it's bad, guys! Just a different style!) And so I'm left without a major reader-base, and I'll admit that I feel somewhat neglected.

The time will come, perhaps (and perhaps it will wait until after the babies come) that I can find a better place in the blogosphere. Can't wait.

Pee funny!

Seriously, it's just one good thing after another! Check it out:

Things Younger than John McCain

A Mormon girl working in the theatre on a Sunday afternoon

My mother complained to me today that I haven't blogged in forever, so I endeavor to remedy that. I'm pretty sure my mother is my only consistent reader, so I do try to keep her happy. You know, besides all of the OTHER reasons I try to keep my mother happy. :)

Part of the reason it's been awhile is that we have been kah-razy busy the last few days. I've talked about Site Specifics before. Basically, it's theatre based on the venue, rather than on a script. However, that means we don't have the base of a theater to work from--we're building from the ground up, creating scenery, lighting and sound effects, and anything else you can think of, to a PLACE--anywhere on campus the directors like and can get approved. Once we're past, I'll post more details and hopefully some pictures. But like I've said before, this is pretty much the coolest thing we do here. The most unique, anyway. It keeps our whole crew hopping for the week leading up to the shows.

At church today, I couldn't help noticing how many pregnant women there were. I kid you know, half of the Relief Society is pregnant. Granted, it's a pretty young ward, lots of toddlers running around. But still, I don't think I've ever been in such a group. All these crazy bellies! It was strange to see the age differences, too. There were expecting mothers who looked no older than me--their early twenties, if that. There were late-twenties moms with a kid or three already. But then there were a couple pregnant women who seriously had to be in their late thirties or early forties! Now, there's nothing wrong with this, of course, it's just funny to see the difference. The young mothers were spry and cute, with tight-fitting maternity blouses and chic skirts with expanded waistlines. The older ladies...heck, they don't care anymore, they were in loose, sack-like, flower-printed dresses to keep cool and comfy. I had to laugh. Those younger moms will learn!

Have you ever had a group of babies staring at you all at once? Toddlers, too, I guess. I don't know why I'm a target for this attention. Sitting in the congregation, surrounded by the aforementioned young families, I kept catching these young watchers. I would smile, then look back at the speaker, or my hymnbook, or the wall somewhere away from their wide, innocent eyes. There was the little boy next to me, his older sister on his other side, the little girl and her littler brother in front of me, and the four-year-old redhead in front of them. Hardly a moment went by where there wasn't at least one set of eyes on me. I didn't see them staring at anyone else in particular. Maybe I had Sharpie on my face? It was somewhat disconcerting, I'll admit. I didn't really mind, though. I like little'ns, as Sam would say.

It's hard to remember that it's Sunday, at work. That's part of the reason we (Mormons in particular) try not to work on Sunday, I suppose. Everybody's talking, everybody's in a rush, people are irritated and frustrated and tense and trying to make things work. Nobody around here but me is trying to focus on anything else, I suppose, but if they were, I'm sure they'd find it just as difficult as I do.

Part of the mission statement here is that we function as an artists colony, separate from the outside world and focused entirely on the kids' art. That's the biggest focus, really--the kids. Still, the atmosphere here is infectious. All of us have said at one point or another that we feel inspired here, that it affects our own artistic inclinations. I can't help but to write. One of the other women here broke out her paints practically upon arriving. There is just something about being surrounded by other artists that invokes the muse.

Fireworks

You know, I can't remember the Fourth of July very well? It's just not a holiday that stands out very well in my mind. Last year, of course, I was a lamesauce loser and didn't really celebrate the Fourth. I remember thinking how lame I was at the time, that I should be out watching fireworks or something, which indicates to me that I usually do watch the fireworks, but my memory being what it is, I can't really say. Last year, I watched "The Queen" the night of the Fourth, which was incredibly ironic to me--celebrating our nation's independence by watching a film about Britain's monarch. Lamesauce, but in an entertaining way.

That being said, this year I thoroughly enjoyed the holiday. Friday afternoon we had an Interdepartmental concert--a recital that consists of student work from across our program. Music, dance, theatre and creative writing, and occasionally some video projection from the visual arts students. That was fun. I had most of the afternoon off; I did some shopping, bought Vantage Point (good flick). That evening, we played Guitar Hero in the shop for awhile, testing out our new outdoor movie screen. I actually didn't die, which was progress. Then the whole crew climbed up to the roof of the theatre to watch fireworks.

This was no ordinary fireworks-viewing. The city of Erie sits literally on the banks of Lake Erie, and slops upward from there. As such, the theatre (being probably the tallest building on campus) sitting on a hill overlooking the bay, had a clear view of the multiple fireworks displays up and down the waterfront. We had a 180 degree view, with fireworks going off in every direction. It was the sweetest thing EVER. I wish I could've taken a picture, but you'd seriously need a powerful panoramic shot to really capture the experience. It was so cool.

Then it was back to work pulling off the pit cover--an adventure in and of itself. But it was still fun, all of us there together just gettin' it done. Then it was home to watch House. Yeah, I have become re-obsessed. :D

strange new grief

I can't even express how agonizing it is to be away from my family right now. My 'niece' Elaina is suffering, and the doctors are reaching the limits of what they can do for her. Her mother is trying to deal with the decisions she will soon be faced--whether or not to take her daughter off the ventilator, whether to stop the suffering. I'm glad that Hollie's parents are there with her, but I wish more than anything that I was there with her too. I feel so helpless. I can't express in words what I want to tell her, not over the phone or over email or blog. I want to hold her, I want to see Elaina, I want to be there with them. I've never felt anything like this before, and I don't know how to deal with it. I've never been incapable of supporting someone before. I've never been devoid of my own comfort when I needed it. This is why families are drawn together at times like this--they need the physical, nonverbal support of one another's presence. Right now, I can't offer or receive any of it.

I'm scared. I'm scared for Elaina, I'm scared for Hollie, and I'm scared for everybody that cares about them both. That includes me.

I wish I was there.

A stranger died today

His name was Charles, or Charlie. He was a baby, 9 months old, with a heart condition called HLHS. His parents love him very much.

I guess all I can say is...don't take life for granted. People lose loved ones all the time. Even when you know its coming it can take you by surprise. And its never easy.

The cool parts of the East side

Tonight was the COOLEST thunderstorm! I walked home from work at about 8:30, and seriously just after I walked into my building, the heavens opened up and down came the rain. The lightning came closer and closer, getting closer and closer--I was taking a shower, and lightning came at the same moment as the thunder, bright and loud. So cool! It's still raining, and the cool breeze washes through my apartment, and it's just heavenly. I LOVE weather like this!

Beautiful Sunday

Sometimes I really love being Mormon.

This morning, I was so tired--I didn't go to bed THAT late, but I've spent that last two months or so on a schedule of 2am to bed, 10am to rise, so scaling back to midnight-8am is a challenge, and will have to go back further by next week. Long and short--getting up for church this morning was a challenge.

I got sort of lost driving to church. Last year, a Sister Hodubski drove me to church each Sunday over the summer. I vaguely remembered the way, and I looked on Google Maps, but I still managed to get a bit turned around. However, I just kept going in the right general direction, and I prayed that Heavenly Father would help me find the church. Well, I found Old French Road, and I could remember the way from there, but I was still very thankful when I saw that familiar building on the hill.

I love the church here. It's a different ward this year, since the Erie 2nd Ward now meets at one in the afternoon, and that will probably conflict with my job in a few weeks. But the 1st ward is just as good, and a lot younger. Last year, I saw with grandparents, or couples with kids out to college. The ward this year is mostly young families, with a baby and some toddlers. Its a lot more lively, but still very spiritual. I was greeted by no less than five people before Sunday School started, which is even before the Relief Society nabbed me--I got asked to say the closing prayer almost before they knew my name! So friendly, so outgoing. I admire the members out here, out in the mission field.

Speaking of which--they had four sets of missionaries. Six elders (two of which were Spanish speaking) and two sisters. Isn't that cool? This area isn't that big, but the work goes forward at a rampant pace. I find it thought provoking.

But just in general, it's such a beautiful day. I'm so glad I got up and went to church. It's just these little things that make everything worthwhile. I got to drive through the most beautiful part of Erie this morning on my way to and from church, listening to the Tabernacle Choir in my car. I'm so glad to be here, to be working with these people and the kids to come, to be able to experience what I'm here to do. Oh, and I'm also really glad to have my car. :)

All I can suggest is that you take some time this Sunday to get out of the house and enjoy the sunshine (hopefully you have some, wherever you are) and just enjoy what life (and God) have given you. It's an awesome world, and we're meant to enjoy it.

Tag again

I have been tagged by Lindsey's blog! This is a new version of blog-tag, I thought I'd indulge...so I get to list three joys, three fears, three goals, three current obsessions or collections and three surprising facts about myself. :D

Joys
#1 Leaving my windows open for a breeze, twenty-four hours a day
#2 Getting to know the new crew this year
#3 Playing music throughout my airy apartment

Fears
#1 My own stupidity (when it happens, and that it might happen at any moment. Seriously!)
#2 I fear for my Elainabug
#3 Apathy

Goals
#1 Figure out what I'm doing this fall
#2 Work my butt off this summer
#3 Learn how to play Guitar Hero functionally (a must with my current crowd.)

Current obsessions
#1 Reading. That's not current, that's always.
#2 Abbey Road. Particularly Octopus's Garden.
#3 Revising my novel.

Surprising facts
#1 I love cooking barefoot in my kitchen. I discovered that last year--especially in the evenings, with the windows open and music playing (see above).
#2 I really enjoy reading multiple books simultaneously. (Not at the same moment silly, just in the same general space of time.) I'm currently reading Alanna, New Moon, and listening to The Host on CD, and I thought about starting HP6 today, but resisted.
#3 I have never been to New York City. This is pure tragedy, particularly for a theatre person.

I'm supposed to tag 5 people, but I like Lindsey's way--if you read this blog, consider yourself tagged. Go and do!

Home away from Home

About half of the reason I drove this year was so I could bring more stuff. I'll admit--I'm a 'stuff' person, I like having nice things, I like being comfortable. In comparison to last year
I think you'll agree that it's a nice change.




Please note the electric griddle and microwave...essentials this year.


And my biggest triumph of all!