Times of Healing

In case you're behind the times...Grady and I broke up last week. It didn't come as a total surprise, but no breakup is easy, especially from a relationship as serious as ours had grown.

I think that times like this encourage self-evaluation. Life is heading in one direction, and then you are forced to stop, look around, and figure out where you're going next.

Once again I find myself questioning. Should I go back to school? Where? In what? Should I instead look for a different job? I'm certainly growing less satisfied with my present employment--less so by the day, it feels like. A change is needed, and has been for a long time.

I find myself trying, after a 2 1/2 month hiatus, to force myself to write. I fell out of those necessary habits that encourage writing. Slowly, I am trying to regain them.

My friends have stood up to the challenge. I am grateful to all my friends who have been there for me this week. They can't completely erase the sense of loss that I'm still experiencing. But they fill the hours that so abruptly became empty. They give me words of encouragement when I need them most. I am very, very blessed in my friends.

So, I move forward as best I can, trying to figure out where to go, what to do, who I want to become. All those things are necessary anyway. But in times of healing, they just become a little more prominent. So don't worry about me--I'll get things figured out sooner or later. And I'll be sure to keep you updated along the way. ;)

You want me to kick that target after spinning how many times? Are you freaking kidding me?

Taekwondo was discouraging. I'll explain why.

In some ways, coming back to Taekwondo was like starting afresh. You start at this place of "I suck". (just go with me here) You look around at everybody else and see how amazing they are, and you think to yourself, "boy, I really need to work harder."

So you work harder. You start to improve. You like that, so you work even harder. You continue to improve. Things start feeling good. You start to feel like you're getting it. You're excited, because you feel like you're accomplishing something. You're progressing. You even start to feel like you're good at it.

Your instructors notice. They decide to push you harder.

And you go straight back to "I suck." The instructors ask you to do more, to do harder things, to do things you've NEVER done before. The others around you start looking like giants again--like they can do things that you can never, ever, ever do. Your instructors ask you to perform, and you feel like it is an impossible task. You feel like you suck.


Now, the response to this is...that's right--work harder. But after getting to that point of "man, I feel great, I'm so on top of this shiz," it's pretty hard to go back to feeling like a wreck again. Don't worry--I'm going to get back on the horse and work harder again. But tonight I just want to wallow for a little while.

Tomorrow...I'll get back to trying Nadabon (spinning roundhouse kick)-->360* jump spinning hook kicks.
X-p

A sad commentary

This morning, I received a business email from one of our company associates. This would be a professional marketer who works with my company. The email was literally riddled with spelling, grammatical and punctuation errors. It made me cross-eyed just trying to read it. It was barely comprehensible. It was embarrassing! I was embarrassed for him, that this working professional couldn't take the time to use a spell-checker, which is a sad commentary in and of itself.

Why did our society stop caring about this? When did it become socially acceptable for a working businessman to be unable to write properly? Honestly, I see emails like this, and I can't repress a certain amount of scorn. It automatically makes me feel like I'm dealing with someone uneducated, or at least uncaring.

Good writing skills are supposedly important. I wish we could take out the 'supposedly' there. I mean, doesn't the business world (and most of the rest of the world too, right?) function on good communication? Which is being severely hindered by the texting generation, and the utterly blase attitude toward anything remotely resembling educated thought.

Reader, I plead with you. Don't fall prey. Use good writing skills. At the very least, please employ your spell checker. It would do us all a world of good.

Wolverine: Meh

Just saw the Wolverine movie. My response is, "It was cool...but..."

Very disjointed, and the storyline was NOT cohesive. I'll frankly admit that the opening sequence (war transitions) was great. That's probably the only part I would label that way. Otherwise, I felt like the story was rushed (and it was a short movie, too!) the characters were not fleshed out--even Wolverine!!--and the plot had wide and gaping holes laced through it. For as much as some characters were anticipated (aka Gambit, among others) they sure didn't get a lot of screentime. And the Sabretooth/Wolverine conflict totally does not mesh well with where we pick up in X-Men(1).

The action sequences were (for the most part) engaging, though the post-credits scene was a bit much for me, simply because as far as I was concerned, it served no purpose. The whole Kayla thing...lame. The fact that Logan believed it?...lame. And what was with her wounded and then suddenly appeared by this recently-collapsed structure, out of nowhere? ... Like I said, major holes everywhere.

However, I still enjoyed it. Not one I'll go see in the theaters again, but maybe one I'll buy (unlike Last Stand, which I pretend does not exist). Maybe just so I can watch the opening a few more times...cuz it was seriously the best part of the whole movie.

Games

I'm a trifle disappointed this evening, only because there were some members of my FHE group who did not enjoy Mao, which is my new favorite game, introduced to me by the Haycocks. I'm surprised by how many people I meet who have played it before. And I tried to lead my FHE group in this game, and it only lasted one round because some of the young men simply wouldn't cooperate. I suppose they thought they were being funny. Not that I don't like these boys, but I was disappointed all the same. I try to at least show a modicum of enthusiasm for things my friends like to do. I mean...isn't that common courtesy?

The Value of Hard Work

Today is Friday. Normally I am a great lover of Fridays. There's just something about them that makes them seem infinitely brighter than the rest of the week. Maybe it's the imminent freedom of the approaching weekend. Or maybe the sun just shines more on Fridays (not that it seems that way on this rainy day!!) Today's Friday seems particularly bright, however, because I am pretending the roadshow does not exist. That's right. Today there is no roadshow. It will come back tomorrow in full force, but for today I am blissfully ignoring its existence.

What I really wanted to write about today is the somewhat abstract concept of hard work. It's been on my mind as I watch people and society around me. Our society has grown remarkably lazy, as no one will hesitate to point out. People (I use the term in its most vague and general terms) seem to expect rewards to simply be handed to them. Jobs. Diplomas. Money. I see this at work a lot--people who call in wanting refunds, because times are hard, and expecting to get money just for the asking. Well, friends--times are hard for us, too.

Hard work is not a concept I have appreciated in every part of my life. I have had my lazier periods--still do, in fact. There are a lot of nasty or difficult tasks that come through a persons' life.

However, I am coming to appreciate just how beautiful and important hard work really is.

There are plenty of platitudes out there about hard work; I will try to spare you. But with utmost sincerity I can tell you that when you really work for something, when you work so hard you think you'll explode with the stress of it, when you've given everything you have and still you are asked to give more...well, I believe that's when you really find the value in it, whether it's a job, education or church, a relationship or a friendship. Putting in the effort gives these things value.

I look at my college experience, particularly in the theatre. My last show there, Henry V, was immensely challenging. It required hours upon hours of effort, and every last drop of ingenuity I had. I gave it my all, everything and more that I had to give. There were other shows like that too, but Henry V truly stands out as the crowning jewel of my experience there. I loved that show. And it's because I wanted to enjoy it. I wanted to be happy, working as hard as I was. And amazingly enough, it worked.

I look now at my singles' ward experience. Through college, I never had a ward that I really cared about. I always wanted cool callings, and was regularly disappointed by the things I was asked to do. My efforts therefore were lackluster--I went to church, I played the piano in Sacrament meeting or whatever my calling was, but that was the extent of my efforts. But my current ward...I went in with the desire and intention to challenge myself. I asked for a challenging calling--not a glory-filled one like I had always imagined that I 'deserved', but something that would stretch me and my skills, something that would take effort and preparation. I was called as a gospel doctrine teacher. Since that calling, nearly everyone I have told of it has sympathized, bemoaned my fate. And yet...I don't find myself complaining. It's difficult. It's a lot of work. It scares the crap out of me every single time. But...I wouldn't give it up for the world.

I look at this roadshow. I have been commended for taking it on, but honestly, I didn't think about it twice when I was asked. And it has been so rewarding--challenging, certainly. Frustrating at times. Chaotic and maddening. But I've gotten to know more people, I've gotten to write and direct, to teach a little and to enjoy these wonderful people who have sacrificed of their time to participate. Throughout the entire experience, I have not begrudged the work and the time and the effort, because it is so worth it!

I don't mean to be self-righteous, and I don't mean to preach. This is more a self-exploration of these things anyhow--realizing that when I have given of my efforts as selflessly as possible, I have enjoyed the experience more. I want to explore the things that I have realized are important.

My point here is that the joys of hard work apply everywhere, to everything. Nothing in this life is going to be easy, and if it is you're probably doing it wrong. The Gospel of Jesus Christ was not meant to be easy--we have to work for it, every moment of every day we have to restore our faith and our desire to follow the direction we have been given. Our daily life was not meant to be easy--we should find ways to challenge ourselves, to force ourselves to grow and improve. Whether its through work or hobbies or friendships, we will be happier if we are active and involved and seeking to challenge ourselves. And when the trials come--hardships through family or finances, through personal challenges or deep questions, my response to you is the same: just keep trying, and have faith. The same goes for relationships, whether with spouses or siblings or children or aunts or cousins or friends, close or the barest acquaintence. Relationships are not easy. They take work, hard and something grueling effort, whether to overcome anger or to overcome apathy, to fight the little annoyances, or to win their heart each and every day. Nothing worthwhile is easy, and if you stop working to keep the things that are important to you, you will lose them, more often than not simply through your own indifference.

Eagle Eye review, includes spoilers

I went to see "Eagle Eye" on Saturday with Melissa. As we entered the theater and sat down, we realized that neither of us really had any idea what the movie was about, except that it had Shia LaBeouf in it. I rather enjoyed the lack of expectations for the movie.

It took me about half the movie to really get into it. Jerry Shaw's backstory was vaguely interesting, but it lacked emotion through his brother's funeral and the confrontation with his father. Once the interaction began with the FBI and Air Force, there was a definite Matrix-feel. It was relatively surreal, where it felt like they were going for something more realistic. Until the woman on the phone was revealed to be a computer, I simply couldn't believe in the things that were happening.

Once that reveal occured, I was able to go along with the plot a little easier. However, it never really gained the reality I think the makers were hoping for. There was just too much. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed all the things that ARIA was able to manipulate, I enjoyed the various things that were under her control, I simply didn't believe it in a realistic sense. It was science fiction.

A note on the relationship. The character of Rachel was obviously too old for LaBeouf's character Jerry. They tried to age him, giving him an older backstory and a scruff-edgy look. However, he simply isn't old enough yet. He has the face of a 22 year old, whereas Rachel was obviously in her late twenties, with a seven or eight year old son. And furthermore, the relationship was mostly plutonic throughout the film, with only hints of a romance. This leads into my discussion of the climax and ending.

I thoroughly enjoyed the climax of the film, when Jerry gets shot. It was perfect, the absolute pinnacle of his character and motivation. Of course he would offer himself as a sacrifice. After everything that happens, after every we learn about his brother, after everything HE learns about his brother, and all the growth he experiences through the film, it was the most wonderful emotional climax for an audience watching this character.

However.

He should have died. After watching Jerry get shot a half dozen times or so, the next image is a funeral photograph of LaBeouf in military blues with a flag. I'm thinking, "Yes! The government recognized him, his dad can be proud." The next shot after that? Jerry, standing by his father, at a service honoring his brother--AGAIN. He lived. He survived half a dozen bullets in the chest and back. I mean, unless he secretly had a bulletproof vest that we didn't see him put on, that just doesn't seem real plausible to me. The cops thought he was a terrorist at that point, so it's not like they would have rushed him to emergency care. And yet, he survives just fine, and his brother gets honored AGAIN. We get the idea that MAYBE his dad can be proud, but who knows?

And then they tie up the subplot with Rachel, as Jerry kindly remembers her son's birthday and brings him an expensive present (which he afforded HOW?) and she thanks him for not being as crappy as her ex-husband and kisses him gently on the cheek. Romantic? Maybe. Better than a full-on kiss on the lips, but still Cop-out.

I was there, man. The emotions were there when Jerry got shot, and then I was really excited with the funeral pic, exulting in a true dramatic Hollywood choice. If he had really died, I probably would have cried. I was there. But then he didn't. They spoiled it. It was such a cop-out! For a full day after seeing the movie, Melissa and I kept turning to each other randomly and saying "He should have died!" They could have tied off Rachel's story somehow else, and left Jerry at a dignified, truly honorable place. But no, now he has to go on and live up to that climax for the rest of his miserable life. Lame.

Perhaps I am simply too cynical. But I don't believe in happy endings. I believe in REAL endings, and if you really earn a happy ending, good for you. But real doesn't always mean happy, and I wish that sometimes--just sometimes--Hollywood would stick true to that. I think their movies would be more meaningful, if nothing else.

Insurance and other meddlesome things

Insurance.

Yesterday, I wrote out a check for my year's worth of car insurance. It's gone down considerably, as my youthful speeding tickets have finally been dropped from my record. Still a chunk of money, but I stressed less about it this year than in those past.

However, another fact of life is looming in the near future, as my parents are none too slow to remind me.

My health/dental/vision/etc insurance will disappear in January, as I am no longer in school. I've had the fortune to have a cushion of many months, due to error on part of the insurance company. However, the cushioning is at an end, and come 2009, I am responsible for my own little self.

It raises an issue I'd rather avoid, but cannot. With one (or even two!) part time job(s), I get no health insurance. Right now, I'm working about 25 hours a week. I have been hoping and hoping and wrangling to get more hours, but even if I were to get the max I could possible have, I still would not get benefits, as the school cannot afford to pay them. I have been so hoping that Walden would work out despite all the issues, because I have been enjoying it so much. But it looks like I'm going to have to face reality.

I've been hoping to find a second part time job to bring in more money, but even besides the benefits issue, there are others. The most sad and important of which being that Walden is inconsistent. Much as I love the people there, they are extremely fly-by-the-seat-of-their-pants. (I hesitate to use the word flaky no matter how appropriate.) Yesterday I worked a full eight hours. Today I worked five. What is tomorrow, or the next day? How can I get another job, if I can't even guarantee when I get off every day? I'm working a "real" job to find consistency--without that desire, I'd be working in the theatre as my art-soul wishes. I thought maybe I could find balance here, but apparently not.

I love Walden School. Already, I do. But I need to be realistic. I have to be an adult, no matter how much I want to avoid it. I need to save money, and I need to take care of myself. If Walden can't commit to me, I need to go somewhere else. Sad, but true muffins.

Breaking Dawn Review--spoilers abound

Firstly: I need to read this book again to really be sure of my opinion, so bear that in mind during the following points:

1. Biggest. Cop-out. Ever.

2. Life is not a happy ending, and writers who try to pretend like everything can really work out...are stupid.

3. Jacob-Nessie=a little disturbing, no matter how you try to think about it.

4. Nessie? I mean, c'mon.

5. It wasn't even written that well! The whole first chapter or two was crap; she should have started the book earlier, told all that stuff in present tense instead of all the memories and dreams and crap. As the wise Dr.P once said, dream/memory sequences are crap. Move the action FORWARD, not back. And that's just the beginning! She totally skimmed through the wedding, which was weak sauce, and then the WHOLE FREAKING MIDDLE OF THE BOOK wasn't even from Bella's point of view! WTF??!! And it was just waaaay too long. I can't even tell you what took 750 pages to tell, because I don't feel like that much happened. I mean, in six months, Bella got married, had a kid, turned into a vampire, and saved the free vampire world without lifting a finger. Woohoo. We-e-eak sauce.

This gets me into another point. I have no idea what point Stephenie Meyer was trying to make with all this. I mean, she's got girls as young as 9 reading these books, and apparently she would like to tell her millions of readers that it's okay to get married at 18, and that having a baby makes everything better, especially for your best friend that you totally screwed over, which was just way too convenient for me. Oh gee, Jake can't find somebody to imprint on, so I'll just create him somebody new and interesting--never mind that it's the freaking offspring of the girl he loves. But back to the point--apparently Stephenie Meyer doesn't mind telling young girls that as long as they have somebody to look out for them, everything will be okay. Never mind college, don't worry about money or REALITY, everything will be okay with your hubbie and kid and little stone cottage in the woods. Everything will be hunky dory with your whole 'family' around you to watch out for you forever.

Bella didn't grow. I expected her to have to mature, FINALLY, in this last book. I expected her to have to make some big sacrifice so she would grow up and really--no matter his prejudices--be worthy of Edward. But no. Bella never had to sacrifice anything. She got her husband, she got her best friend, she got to keep her dad, AND she got an impossible kid to boot. Never mind that she's 18, and didn't even WANT kids. Oh! AND Jacob gets to be happy and stick around too. Never mind that it's SICK in so many ways. I don't care how you look at it. There's no redeeming value there, except as an interesting--albeit SICK--plot twist I NEVER saw coming.

Overall, Breaking Dawn summary once again: Biggest cop-out ever. As far as I'm concerned, the series ends with Eclipse, and I can fantasize my own--better written--conclusion to what was an epic saga.

Struggling

I'm not having a very good day today.

I feel that I am an independent person. Slowly over the last four years, I've been taking on my own finances. My parents help a great deal, but I've felt that I was on the road to becoming independent. Today is a huge blow to that. I'm moving home today, for no other reason than I simply cannot afford to pay rent. Or utilities, or to buy my own groceries. I'm flat out broke. I've never hit rock bottom in quite this fashion before--always there has been hope, a paycheck soon to come, another job to start. Now, I'm directionless.

Last night I got a text message from my landlady, telling me that my room has been rented--started May 10. That means I'm still responsible for nearly a hundred dollars worth of rent--which I don't have. I asked her if there was anything I could do, and I told her that I just don't have any money whatsoever. She was rather cold in her rebuff, telling me she couldn't let me out of my lease. I see her side, but what does she think I can do? Pull money out of thin air? I suppose she thinks my parents will pay it. The thought makes me sick. I'm honestly in tears at the thought of how financially strapped I am right now, and it makes me sick to think of asking my parents to bail me out. After everything they've done for me, everything they're doing for me, to think that I cannot even pay my own expenses just makes me feel like a failure. Especially because there's no end in sight! I haven't got a job lined up, I can't manage to get one--believe me, I've been trying for two months solid, with no luck.

Life is hard. I guess that's what this all narrows down to. It's even harder, I guess, watching some of my friends have success, when I can't seem to get close. I'm a pretty bright girl--I've got a college degree, I'm educated, I'm passionate, I care about people, and I like to serve. It shouldn't be this hard. It really shouldn't.

Renting Blues

So, I'm moving home. This is a rather unfortunate circumstance which I do not entirely regret. I need to save money, and all the reasons I moved to Salt Lake in the first place are mostly null and void, the only exceptions being 1) my independence and 2) living with Dixy, one of my best friends from college. Right now I need to save money (particularly considering that I have none) and hopefully I can get a job down here just as easily as one in Salt Lake.

With these things in mind, I spent half of last week trying to get in touch with my landlords, who were apparently away from their phones the whole time. At last reaching my landlady on Saturday, I informed her that I had lost my job, and that I needed to move out at the end of the month. As we had discussed when I signed my lease, she said she would list my room, and if she could find a renter she would let me out of my lease. I agreed this was fair, and went my way.

Today, I searched online listings to find my room. No luck. I checked all the regular haunts where Dixy found the house in the first place, to no avail. It's not there.

All I want to say is WTF? Did she forget? Am I being screwed? I don't know, I don't really care. I listed the room myself, and hopefully I can get things taken care of so I can get out of the lease. These landlords have been pretty good all around, so I don't want to jump the gun. I just want a peaceful resolution.

So, if anybody is looking for an apartment in Taylorsville, let me know. I've got a pretty sweet place for you.

Meeting Expectations

I've discovered over the years that there are certain people whom I will always want to please or impress--some to a greater degree than others. I can pinpoint these people, and I have a good relationship with each of them, albeit a very different relationship in each and every case.

For instance, there is my best friend. I always crave her good opinion of me, and I simultaneously always crave her own happiness. At the core of our relationship, however, is our religion--I feel that the closer I am to my religion, the more peaceful our relationship is. HOWEVER, this is the one person who I can completely be myself with. There is no one else whom I so completely trust, with every aspect of my life. I think everyone should have such a person.

I have another friend, a very close friend. We've gone through four years of college together, pursuing the same career--sometimes a cause for contention or competition, but most often a source of mutual aspirations. Despite everything, I always want to impress this dear friend with my prospects--where I'm working for the summer, where I'm going in six months, my dreams and goals. We've shared them for a long time. But recently we've kind of met a fork in the road--he got into grad school and I didn't. But in addition to that, I've realized that this road we've been traveling together isn't one I want to be on anymore. But, because of the nature of our friendship, I don't know how to explain to him that I don't share these mutual goals and aspirations anymore. The path that I want to take may not be as impressive to him, and I fear losing his respect.

There is my family, particularly my parents. For their sakes, I want to make something of myself. Pursuing our religion helps, but mostly I just want to be able to do things that make them proud of me. Oh, and my mother really wants grandchildren. I'll be perfectly happy to oblige her, as soon as I find their father.

I also have a favorite cousin, and I think for her it's good enough just to be myself. We've made similar mistakes, we share a lot of opinions, we share in the immediacy of our family, and she's honestly the one person whom I can talk childbirth with, without it getting awkward because I don't have my son anymore.

There are my high school friends--God bless them--who are dearer to me than nearly anything else in the world. For them, it's frequently a religion thing: am I dating, what's my calling, etc. They could often care less about my career, as long as its something that makes me happy. And as long as I'm doing SOMEthing. Hopefully soon I'll be able to remedy that. The only problem is that they don't want me to move away. My career would cause that, but my chosen career is becoming less appealing every day.

My professors, for the most part, want me to be successful at this chosen career--and NOT succumb to this religious inclination toward home and babies. Certainly, I want them to be proud of me also, but I think they are going to be the first ones I disappoint.

So what of myself? This is what puzzles me on a daily basis. What expectations do I hold for myself? They are often conflicting. I want to be successful, but as the days roll by, I more and more often question what exactly I want to succeed at. Certainly, there is much temporal glory to be had by being a woman pursuing a career. I have wanted that. But do I anymore? The older I get, the less that seems to matter. I used to mock women of my age (and younger) who settled down and started their families, without ever pursuing anything outside the home. I thought "They're not making anything of themselves, they're wasting their brains." But I don't really think that anymore. There are plenty of important things to do, at every stage of life. Pursuing a career is very grand, and I would love to do it. I love the theatre, I love the arts. But I don't think I could be content living that life. There is so much more to it.

I guess the greatest expectations I have to meet are the ones that HF and I work out between us--what satisfies His expectations while still generating my own happiness. I just have to figure them out, that's all.

A Disagreement with Modernising

When my dad was my age, all one needed for a really good job was a Bachelors degree. That little piece of paper could practically guarantee a job, with good benefits and a nice salary. As has been said in many circles, the Masters degree is today's equivalent, as the Bachelors is now the equivalent of the high school diploma. You practically have to have one of those to work at Pizza Hut.

I have a Bachelors degree (although I don't get my diploma until this summer, but lets stay on topic). Somehow, when I was approaching graduation, I thought this would get my foot in the door at a lot of places I wanted to go--at least in the local market of boring everyday jobs. I was told time and again that this little piece of paper was all I needed to make it in the world.

Let me correct a few perceptions.

Just having a degree doesn't do it anymore. Companies are expecting--for their entry-level jobs!--at least two years of experience, a degree in the field, not to mention a good resume and excellent interview. They want expertise, professionalism, and some other characteristic that a simple degree just doesn't bring. I'm talking about entry-level receptionist and administrative assistant positions. It makes me want to scream sometimes--how is anybody supposed to get those two years of experience, when no one will hire them in the first place?

Personally, I'm circumventing this ridiculous situation by getting a different certification, but I find it highly discouraging that I spent four years in college, only to spend six weeks in a class to go into a completely different field. I think that they should at least warn you that you're spending your time, effort and money on something that essentially does nothing for you.

Disappointment versus Devastation

I got two rejection letters today, one from UC Irvine and one from the University of Delaware.

Okay, so of course I'm disappointed. I really wanted to go to grad school. I'd be one of the first in my family to do so. It would have been a great experience. But I'm not devastated. My mother held me like she expected me to cry when I told her, but I didn't cry. Maybe I will later, I don't know. Frankly, I'm just glad I'm not waiting around anymore. Waiting to hear was even worse than knowing the answer.

Now, I can move on with my life. Where I'll be moving on to, I have no idea. I'd kinda been hoping to go to grad school so it would occupy the next three years of my life and I wouldn't have to make any big life-changing decisions. But alas, HF never makes things easy.

Next week is my last class in Phlebotomy. I have to pass the final exam, complete an externship, and then I'll get my certificate and be a phlebotomist. So far, I find it entertaining. Whether I can do it long term, I have no idea. But it's a place to start.

I am spending the summer in Pennsylvania again this year. At least I'll get a little theatre in 2008, even if its the weird version of my art that PGSA offers. I think it'll be fun, and help me not feel like an utter failure as a theatre student.

Realistically, looking back, I thought I'd be married by now. I still hope that will happen in the relatively near future, but as HF has taught me again and again, I can't stake anything on it--I just have to wait, and do what I can in that area to make things happen. Eventually it will work out.

So, yeah. I'm a little directionless right now, but I have hope and limitless possibilities (except, of course, that I'm limited from grad school!) I can go in any direction I choose, I just have to do that--choose.