Quitting my job, writing, and life: an update

My blogs have been neglected, I'm afraid. I'm not sure I can quite express to you the insanity that has been my life over the past couple of months. Suffice it to say, I have been a busy girl.

The biggest news that I wish to share with you is that today is my official last day at my morning job. No longer shall I be the friendly customer service rep. No longer do I have to rise early to answer phones and talk to grumpy people. No longer will I claw my eyes out over silly projects handed to me last-minute by my boss. Freedom is mine.

This decision was a long one in coming. I have been dissatisfied with this position for quite some time, but felt stuck by circumstance and finances. However, change is finally in motion. This fall I will be going back to school. I am not certain where yet--I am registered at UVU to get started on a second bachelor's degree. However, I am on the alternate list for the MSW program at the University of Utah. Obviously it would be my preference to skip two extra years of school and go straight into my chosen grad program. So here's to hoping that someone else decides to drop out of the program, so I get to go. They have until August to let me know...so we'll see what happens.

Needless to say, this intent to go back to school put a hard deadline on my time at this job. However, more and more I was getting the feeling that I should quit sooner.

My writing has been going very well. Sam and I finished our manuscript at the beginning of May. Before that time, we set some goals for ourselves and this book. The first was completion by the end of April, which we almost made. The next goal was to finish a full revision of our own by the end of May. This is still in the works, we'll see how much progress I can make this weekend. Our ms will spend the next few weeks in the hands of our first round of beta readers, then undergo a second full revision. Then in July we'll hand it off to our larger second group of beta readers, followed by a third full revision. The goal is to have the ms ready by the end of summer to begin the submission process to agents and editors.

I'm quitting my job for the summer to write. I just feel that this is what I'm supposed to be doing right now. These few months are precious time for me--in the fall, I'll be back in school and working, so my time to write will be very limited. I feel strongly that I am supposed to finish and pursue this book, so I'm taking this time right now to do so. It was hard to justify to myself--I mean, I may never make a dime off this book. It may never go anywhere. So it was hard to justify a REAL job and the bulk of my income for what may essentially just be a hobby. But after some earnest prayer and counsel from family and friends, I decided that for this summer, it was the right thing to do.

Incidentally...I'm really excited about the book. Co-writing with Sam has had it's challenges here and there, but overall it's been a great experience that we are eager to repeat. Together we've created something really strong, and I think that with the right timing, we have the potential to get published with it. I am very hopeful.

Other updates--Taekwondo is also going really well. I am picking up even more classes this summer, which is exciting. This coming month I will be competing at the Utah Summer Games. I'll be sparring, performing my form, and performing on our school's demo team, which is the shiz. I'm in the middle of a "diet" (not really, it's just eating better and being off sugar) trying to drop a weight class for the tournament. I'm super excited about this competition and everything else going on at the studio.

Life continues. I doubt it will get any less busy for these changes. But hopefully it will be a lot more fulfilling and enjoyable. =)

The good news:

• We went tubing at Soldier Hollow last night and it was AWESOME!
• I'm really really really loving "This is War" by 30 Seconds to Mars. It inspires me.
• This week we're going to start the planning meetings for the FSA National Conference again, and I am definitely in need of a good project to keep me busy--which this conference certainly will do.
• We're leaving a week from tomorrow for Washington D.C. to pick up my brother from his mission!

The bad news:

• The internet's not working at my house, so I wasn't able to work on my novel at home. Grr.
• I found out I'm not elligible for Pell Grants because I already have a degree. So frustrating.
• There's a date night this Saturday, but I don't have anybody to go with.
• I want to go on vacation!!!

Figuring out what to do with my life!

I still haven't heard anything on grad school, but I'm having the feeling that it's not going to happen. Pending that, I've been looking into going back to school for a second bachelor's degree, in Social Work. A lot of thought is going into this decision. But in order to progress into a career that I will enjoy and in which I can actually find fulfillment, I have to get a degree in this field. Additionally, it will be easier to get into the Master's program with a Bachelor's degree in the field. I applied anyway, but it was a long shot. I can get work with a Bachelor's degree, but if I do decide I want a Master's, it will be easier to get into the program this way.

I've been looking into financial aid to start at UVU this fall. I found out today that since I have a bachelor's degree, they will WAIVE all the general education classes. This is a HUGE relief! As long as everything falls together properly, I would be able to graduate (again) in 2 years. Not too bad, eh?

I haven't made a final decision. A lot depends on whether I can get enough financial aid to get through school. But I have realized that I can continue on as I have been, in a job that I merely tolerate, or I can put in the time to get into a career that I will truly enjoy. Bear with me, dear friends, as I get everything figured out over the coming months. But I think I will be the better for it.

Times of Healing

In case you're behind the times...Grady and I broke up last week. It didn't come as a total surprise, but no breakup is easy, especially from a relationship as serious as ours had grown.

I think that times like this encourage self-evaluation. Life is heading in one direction, and then you are forced to stop, look around, and figure out where you're going next.

Once again I find myself questioning. Should I go back to school? Where? In what? Should I instead look for a different job? I'm certainly growing less satisfied with my present employment--less so by the day, it feels like. A change is needed, and has been for a long time.

I find myself trying, after a 2 1/2 month hiatus, to force myself to write. I fell out of those necessary habits that encourage writing. Slowly, I am trying to regain them.

My friends have stood up to the challenge. I am grateful to all my friends who have been there for me this week. They can't completely erase the sense of loss that I'm still experiencing. But they fill the hours that so abruptly became empty. They give me words of encouragement when I need them most. I am very, very blessed in my friends.

So, I move forward as best I can, trying to figure out where to go, what to do, who I want to become. All those things are necessary anyway. But in times of healing, they just become a little more prominent. So don't worry about me--I'll get things figured out sooner or later. And I'll be sure to keep you updated along the way. ;)

Good News Bad News

Over at the Domestic Dork, "Good News Bad News" happens every Sunday, but Holly posts a lot more regularly than I do, so for me it just sort of happens whenever I feel like it. =) Here goes.

The good news...

• The color belts have Belt Test tomorrow at the studio. It's been about three years since I helped with a belt test, and I'm actually kind of excited. It's fun to see what our students are accomplishing, fun to sit up on the board and participate. It will be a long, but ultimately rewarding, day.
• Today is our end-of-the-month BBQ at work. I love these! And I think we're also celebrating all of the September birthdays...which includes me.
• My parents are coming home from Washington this weekend. I've missed them.
• I am officially going to be competing in at TKD tournament in October, and I'm freaking stoked. I'm sure I'll get my butt handed to me, but I'll have an awesome time doing it.
• It's Friday!

The bad news...

• I am so busy I can't even think straight. The only day this week I won't be at the studio is Sunday. (However, perhaps I should have included in the Good news, that I'm still enjoying it...just not enjoying that I never see my friends...or my novel...or really anything else...)
• I STILL haven't written my Liberal Arts Statement.
• I am missing the national board meeting of FSA tonight, and I'm frustrated and upset. We were suppposed to meet two weeks ago, but they up and moved the meeting to the day before belt testing, when I absolutely have to be at staff meeting for TKD. A friend on the board will be presenting my materials, but it's just not the same, and I'm grumpy about it.
• Work is boring. Thus...I'm blogging. I need to be more productive!

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Liberal Arts Background Statement

From the MSW application:

LIBERAL ARTS BACKGROUND STATEMENT
Please submit a liberal arts background statement, between two to three double-spaced typewritten pages thatdescribes the liberal arts coursework completed in undergraduate and graduate study and how these coursesprovided the following: 1) An appreciation of how culture is expressed in literature, humanities, writing, languages, history, philosophy, mathematics and science; 2) An understanding of the diversity of individuals andcultures including the bio-psychosocial forces that influence human growth and development; 3) A commitment to enhance human rights and social justice; 4) an understanding of the diversity and interrelatedness of local, state, national,and global social problems; and 5) an understanding and appreciation of the importance of scientific inquiry and critical hinking.

What is it about this that intimidates me so? [this explains what they want you to address in the statement--at length.] Besides deciding on one more reference person, this is the last thing I have to do for my grad school application. I still have time...but I could be telling myself that right up until the deadline. I need to get this taken care of, but I keep putting it off.

In all seriousness, if you have some advice on how to address this, please tell me. I'm really struggling with this one.

Good News Bad News extensive version

The good news...

• My crazy financial situation for Taekwondo has been resolved to everyone's satisfaction. No more stressing about THAT.
• I'm going to assist in a new tkd class today--advanced childrens. Should be fun!
• I now have 3/4 reference people for my grad school application.
• My black belt report is done, turned in, signed sealed delivered.
• This weekend should be really fun--roller skating date, and lazer tag with my ward, and more. I'm excited.
• I will be competing in a tournament in October, and I'm stoked. I haven't competed since August 2006. Should be an adventure!
• My flights for PA are purchased--I'll be flying into Philadelphia, a city of my heart. I can't wait!
• I've been WRITING for the first time in WEEKS. Writing makes me happy. So do my random characters, who are never what I expect them to be.

The bad news...

• My shoulder still really hurts. It's been like two and a half weeks now. Grr...
• I'm going to assist in a new tkd class today...and every Wednesday...and I'm starting to feel the pinch of NO free time AT ALL. Not sure I had that hour to give...
• I still need to decide on 1 last person to send a reference letter for my grad school application.
• I STILL need to write my Liberal Arts statement for my grad school application.
• I'm reaching a point of burn-out that I need to address before I explode...but I can't find the time!
• My parents are in Washington for at least a week, and I will miss them. *sigh*

Check out the Domestic Dork for more bloggy goodness!

Good News Bad News

The Good News?

• I had an AWESOME birthday, thanks to my many friends, family, roommates and coworkers who made it special. {I LOVE ICE CREAM}
• I'm almost done with my grad school application! Hoping to submit soon.
• I finally got to see the Ensign article where I'm quoted. AND I just did a phone interview with The Daily Herald. I'm famous! {The Ensign article was not as exciting as everybody made it out to be. I'm quoted once, and it's way in the back. Not really that cool}
• Looking forward to going out with a certain young man again this weekend. =)

The Bad News...

• I am REALLY tired today {a combo of the late night and coming to work early today}, and my shoulder REALLY hurts {thanks to rolls, grabs, throws and breakfast last night in black belt class}.
• I still haven't written the Liberal Arts Statement for my grad school application. I honestly can't figure out what to say.
• My black belt report is due in 6 days, and I can't find any good sources. {I'm supposed to write on the purpose and meaning of forms, and what they teach us. Any ideas???}

Check out the Domestic Dork for more bloggy goodness!

When God keeps poking you, you'd better start listening!

I don't mean that statement to be sacreligious or in any way disrespectful. But I honestly believe that God uses other people to 'poke' you, to give you hints and nudges and a bit of a wake up call. Welcome to my life.

In the space of 12 hours, four people asked me when/if I was going back to school. It had been on my mind anyway, with school starting and a bunch of my friends starting classes. But then in less than a day, I got asked again and again about me going back.

Little pokes. Little nudges.

If you know me at all, you know about my impulsiveness. This is how it works--I start thinking about doing something. I stew about it for a looooooooong time. I might bounce the idea off a few select people, or I might keep it to myself. But when I finally make the decision, I take action immediately. I make it happen. Right. Now.

I started thinking about going to grad school last year. Do any of you remember that? I decided that I wanted to study social work. But as I was looking at the application for the program I was interested in, A) I was too late for this year's deadline, and B) of equal importance to education on the application was volunteer work in the field. At the time, I had none. So though school wasn't an option at the time, I still got interested in volunteer work. I contacted my caseworker down in Cedar City, who recommended me up north, I pursued it, got in touch with some key people at family services...and now I have nine solid months of volunteer work behind me, and my passion for the field has multiplied far beyond what my original interest led me to believe.

At this point, I'm just going to apply. Applying hurts me nothing, and could gain me a great deal. I have found something that I love to do, something worthwhile, and something I can make a career of. The chances of getting the kind of position that I want increase significantly with a degree--particularly a master's degree--in the field. And what is there to hold me back?

Nostalgia

I read a blog post just now where the writer said, "I don't normally wax nostalgic, but it happened the other day."

There are a set of specific things that, without fail, will lay nostalgic claims upon me. There are times of year that are particularly rife with these nostalgic moments--particularly the late spring and the early fall.

This time of year just gets me. It's the mystical time of Back to School. The nostalgia is so much worse, not being in school. I miss it, I do. Right now, I can't help but think to myself, "Maybe I could back, to study...something..." I have loved school my entire life. I wonder if that craving will ever entirely leave me.

But even more so, I just love the fall. It is without a doubt my favorite season of the year. I love the crispness in the air, the mystery of the evenings, the crunch of dry leaves, the color of those selfsame leaves upon the mountainside, the feeling of the holidays approaching, the feeling of infinite capacity that overcomes me.

I love autumn colors. I think I would love to be married in the fall--early enough so I could still have an outdoor reception, but still with those rich and glorious colors. Rust and scarlet, the beautiful oranges that are just rich enough not to be Halloween-y and garish, the goldenrod-yellows and the deep, glorious browns. Fall colors sing to me.

Profound thoughts of a profoundly profound nature

Or something like that...

The other day, I was talking to my friend Jameson about workplace satisfaction. He's in a business class, and they were talking about the factors that influence job satisfaction. Of course I don't know all of the details. But some of the things were pay scale and benefits, coworkers, and fulfillment from the work itself (among many other things).

Jameson found my situation interesting. I find my job itself to be tedious, indicating one factor of dissatisfaction. I like my workplace itself, I enjoy my coworkers, and my pay/benefits are acceptable. However, I am allowed to write in my spare time once my work is done, which influences my overall satisfaction with my job. While it's not the work itself, I do find satisfaction while at work.

I've been reconsidering some pretty major decisions lately--particularly my decision to go back to school. My major drive to go back to college is in that search for fulfillment. Because I'm not pursuing my original passion/major (theatre) for personal reasons, I thought that I thereby could not find satisfaction in a job that I could obtain without a degree in something else. Thus, I would go back to school to obtain that degree.

However, I'm finding that I can be fulfilled in other ways besides my job. I don't mind my job--I like the people, it's steady and consistent, and while there I can write, which is an enormous passion that I will always pursue. I've discovered that I can find a lot of fulfillment in my ward and callings there, and I'm getting involved in volunteer work that is like nothing else I've ever done before--and which brings me immense satisfaction.

So I don't know that I really want to uproot yet again. I really want to stay in my ward, I want to have some consistency there. And if I'm not unhappy, if I can find that fulfillment that I was looking for in the first place, I'm not sure I'd go back to school except for my obsessive love of school itself. At this point, I don't feel like I'm missing anything that could be gained by going back. So, while I haven't made a firm decision, I'm leaning toward staying right where I'm at.

Life could be a lot worse

I get asked a lot, as I'm sure most people do, how I'm doing, how's my job, what I'm planning to do next. Not so very long ago, I got pretty uncomfortable whenever these questions arose (and this was magnified by the fact that, like most people, I get asked those questions on a fairly frequent basis).

I have come to the conclusion that life could be a lot worse. I look at my life now, and it's certainly not everything I want it to be. But I have a lot going for me, and I find that I can't really complain too much.

My job may not be the thrilling career that I hope to one day have, but on the other hand, I really enjoy the people I work with, AND it gives me plenty of time to write (when I can focus...ever the problem, I'm afraid). It gave me the freedom to buy a car that makes me immensely happy every time I think about it. And hopefully I can save up some money so that I can go BACK to school and pursue that thrilling career I'm hoping for.

I absolutely adore my singles' ward. It's by far the best ward I've ever been in, helped by the fact that for the first time in my life I was really ready to dedicate the time and energy to it that allowed me to reap the benefits I'd always wanted. My calling is challenging, but I'll tell you what, teaching Gospel Doctrine has already improved my life, and I look forward to it every time. Scares the crap out of me every time too, but I don't think that can be helped. :) OH! And the silly roadshow has been an immense challenge, but I'm getting to know people whom I wouldn't otherwise had the opportunity to work with. It's still going to be nightmarish to put all together in the next week and a half, but I look forward to the adventure.

So, I guess today I'm just grateful for all my blessings. I can work a little harder, and I can always improve things for myself and for others. But today, I'm grateful for what I have. And I'm grateful for all you unseen readers, and hope that you can find a little sunshine today. And may the heavens help me for spouting such awful cliches! :) God bless!

Interesting thought...

A former professor of mine suggested to me yesterday that rather than pursue a second bachelor's in social work, to instead proceed as directly as possible into a Master's program. This is coming from a man who got a bachelor's in biochemistry, an MFA in acting, and I believe a third degree in library science.

Interestingly enough, the MSW program at the University of Utah (currently my school of choice) does not require as a prerequisite a degree in social work or a related field, but rather, simply, a baccalaureate degree from an accredited university. This is, of course, among their various other prerequisites, however, the point is that there is a definite possibility here.

I would definitely have to take at least a semester's worth of prereq classes, but after those are out of the way, the way is open. My professor suggested going up to the meet them and let them meet me, and see how we all felt about it. So...I guess we'll just see what happens, now won't we?


PS: This week I've also accepted an invitation to return to Pennsylvania for the summer, to work at the Governor's School for the Arts. And I'll tell you, that alone was enough to spark my old desire to bang on the system long enough to get one started here in Utah...oh the passion is rising in my soul once again...

My first Dr. Pepper in about six weeks...

And the combination of caffeine and a strange, inexplicable exhaustion has me a little loopy. Blogging it is!

I stole this off Jen's blog, and while she didn't tag me, I'm filling it out anyway!

Four random things I like about my best friend:
-She gives the best hugs in the whole wide world.
-She always has good advice, and is always willing to share it.
-We can talk about anything, and more importantly, she is a great listener. We could just talk forever, about pretty much everything in the world.
-She's always willing to go along with the crazy, last-minute schemes we come up with!

Four jobs I've had:
-I worked at a KOA Kampground as a concierge--everything from taking reservations, driving the golf cart, to scooping ice cream and making sandwiches.
-I spent two summers (so far!) at the Pennsylvania Governor's School for the Arts as an assistant stage manager. I stage managed or was deck crew head for daily or twice-daily music concerts, dance concerts, creative writing recitals, theatre productions, interdepartmental shows, and helped with visual arts gallery showings, as well as teaching a stage management seminar, and a variety of other odd jobs. Best job in the whole world.
-A summer before either of those I spent as a shopper for an online grocery-order service. I spent my time in the aisles of a grocery store picking up other peoples' food and stuff. That was when I learned how to pick good produce!
-And though I've never actually had a paid job doing it, I'm also a registered phlebotomist aka vampire. I actually find it quite engaging, if my internship was any indication.

Four books I've read more than once:
-The Belgariad by David Eddings
-The Twilight saga
-Elantris and Mistborn by Brandon Sanderson
-and Harry Potter, of course.
I guess really that was about 25 books, but you know, that's my life.

Four movies I've watched more than once:
-Superman (as in, all of them, including Superman Returns.)
-Batman Begins and The Dark Knight.
-Iron Man.
-Pirates of the Caribbean (all three of them)

Four tv shows I watch:
-The West Wing
-House, MD
-Smallville
-Lost (haven't watched for a long time!!)

People who email me regularly:
-Barack Obama. :)
-My Russian pen-pal Lena.
-UVU (campus announcements)
Yeah, that's about it. Where's the love?

Four of my favorite foods:
-Mint chocolate chip ice cream.
-Funeral potatoes.
-Strawberries.
-Cheese quesadillas.

Four places I'd like to visit:
-New York City (going in June!)
-Boston
-London
-and I'd love to go back to D.C.

Four things I'm looking forward to in the upcoming year:
-Watching Barack Obama be elected for President.
-Going back to school
-Going to NYC and PA next summer.
-And I would love to have a relationship sometime in the upcoming year. That'd be swell.

A longing for Academia

I've pretty much decided to go back to school, though many of the details have yet to be worked out. I'm certainly one of those people who would be a perpetual student with the opportunity, but much too realistic to actually do so. However, I have almost--practically--decided to go back to school to pursue a second Bachelor's degree. I am certainly going to take a few classes and try it out. I am definitely going to take some sociology/social work classes, and test out that field. It appeals to me greatly, and I think I could find great fulfillment in a social work career, as long as I got the right job(s). I have great hope for it.

I have a great longing for academia in my life. I love the challenge, the passion, the expansion of my thoughts and critical thinking. I am very happy with who I am (if not with what I am doing) and I can give most of the credit to my formative college years. My opinions and my thought processes have developed extensively over the past four (and counting) years, and I long for continuing education in all aspects of my life. I feel that education is the only hope for a productive and fruitful society, and I will always be a proponent of higher education, as long as I live. Not least for myself!

Something of being an adult

Adult relationships. I'm not talking romance, I'm talking friendship, between adults. It's a lot different than childhood friendships, or even college-buddy friendships. But, as I am finding, they are still extremely satisfying.

Are you still friends with any of your high school buddies? (I am speaking to you, my compadres who are in or have graduated from college.) I mean really friends, you go to their house, spend hours in their company on a regular basis. If you are, I congratulate you. You are one of the lucky few. (Or is it unlucky, in your case? j/k)

Friendships, I have found, are such a tentative thing. They are beautiful, don't get me wrong. My friends are a crucial part of my life. But so often they are dependent on mutual circumstances and a frequent almost-necessity of shared company. Take high school--you probably have some classes together, you most likely eat lunch together every day, and sometimes you hang out for a couple hours after school. These are mutual circumstances--the rigors of high school--and frequent almost-necessity of shared company--simply being in the same place every day.

College is a little different, because the scheduling is a little more scattered. In this case, your friends are most likely your roommates, or people you spend a lot of class/club time with, like a shared major. Sometimes these friendships linger after the circumstances change (ie old roommates). Sometimes they don't.

But what about afterward? And particularly following a marriage, which usually changes circumstances and shared experiences drastically. What happens after you move in different directions, or when you no longer share an apartment, or when you no longer see each other every day, or...ever?

A lot of the time, friendships fail. They just diminish, and there's very little we can do about it. We still call, every now and then, we email and say hi on Facebook and Myspace. Eventually those drop off in frequency too. It's human nature. We'll still think fondly of each other, still remember the good times with a laugh. It just will be a thing of the past.

On very rare occasions, we are able to maintain friendships simply by virtue of the depth of the initial relationship, or by changing the boundaries of the relationship to include the new circumstances. A best friend that you call often to talk, even though you can't be together. A married friend whose spouse you also befriend to stay close, taking part now in their shared existence. These friendships are the ones who have hope of continuing, the ones that both parties are dedicating to continuing. These are the adult relationships. They may or may not have the fervor of the previous friendships enjoyed, but they will have a maturity and depth that will surpass them. These friendships will have a beauty and a value to cherish in the years to come.

Staring real life in the face...yet again

I promise that the Arches blog IS coming, there is much to write about, many fun stories to pass on to posterity. I just haven't had it in me the last few days, but believe me, it will come.

Tonight I finished a really good book. Mistborn: The Final Empire by Brandon Sanderson, a professor at BYU, actually. It's the first really good new fantasy book I've read in awhile--I've continually turned back to my old favorites, disappointed or bored by newer stuff. But this one was a pleasant surprise, a recommendation from my Sam. Interestingly, Sanderson is the one asked by Robert Jordan's widow to finish The Wheel of Time series--ergo, I had heard his name before reading his book, but only made the connection afterward. After reading Mistborn, I have some hope for the conclusion of Jordan's epic--don't get me wrong, I fanatically read Wheel of Time at one point in my life, but as it got stringed out and the books got more and more involved and covered less and less time, I lost some of my fervor for the books. But hopefully we will see a good--and conclusive--end to it. At any rate and either way, I really enjoyed Mistborn, can't wait to get my hands on the second book.

Getting onto Sanderson's website somehow led me to BYU's--I'm not sure what the connection is there, except that I've been meaning to check out BYU's undergraduate catalog for awhile. Do not mistake me--I have very little intention of ever attending BYU. However, I did hope to find some inspiration there, as far as my future goes.

I'm very seriously--almost certainly--considering going back to school for a second undergraduate degree. Hear me out.

I went to college the first time, absolutely certain of what I wanted to study. Theatre and English sometimes struggled for control over my soul--theatre eventually winning out--but it was always those two things. Sometimes I was one major, sometimes the other, for a long time both, but it was always those two. I never strayed, I never considered other options. I knew what I wanted to do, and I did it.

I've come--long before I graduated--to regret that singlemindedness. I certainly regret my decision to graduate early, missing the chance to take a few extra classes, to spend a little more time preparing for real life. But that is neither here nor there.

I want to take more classes. I hope always to be furthering my education, if not formally, but while I have the opportunities to do so, I would like to stay in school. I want to study things I have never studied before. I want to find and develop new passions--maybe even ones I would never find otherwise.

Thus, my search of the BYU (and UVU) catalog, hunting for ideas. Classes I could take. It appeals to me greatly to simply enroll--without declaring a major, with no set plans, just to explore, to learn. I want to take classes for the sake of increasing my knowledge, without worrying about graduation, without worrying about GPA, without any other pressures. I've come to learn how little those things actually matter, and I want the chance to do it over again.

I want the chance to be involved in things. I loved being a theatre major, I loved doing the shows--but that's all I did. I was involved in Honors, but I could only participate up to a point, because the theatre always came first. I didn't join other clubs, I forfeited my involvement in those I did join, because the shows consumed so much of my time and energy. Without the shows, I can only imagine the possibilities.

Melissa and I had a long discussion in the car on the way to Moab, about the current generation, and about why people in this day and age jump from job to job, from career to passion to addiction, without truly dedicating their lives to anything. I don't really want to become that, I don't want to be dissatisfied with my life. I have experienced passion, I know the hold it can have. I wouldn't say that I have lost my passion, it's still there, but I believe--I must believe--that I have a capacity for other passions. I want to find those. They may not be as glorious or as invigorating as the theatre, but I hope to find new passions that are a little more stable, in more ways than one.

Springtime Intoxication

Maybe we just have days when chaos touches us, like little eddies in the river of worldly sanity.

There is something about this time of year that does something to me. It's moving time. Every year for the last four years, in the last weeks of April and beginning of May, I have prepared to move--sometimes it was home to my parents, sometimes it was just to a different apartment across town. But its definitely getting to be a habit. I think my body can sense the move coming, and it triggers a real, emotional response.

Last year at this time, I was half-packed, the windows were flung open in my upstairs bedroom, and together with my roommate Emily, I was rapidly devouring the Twilight series for the first time. There was--absolute freedom. Of course I had finals, but that semester I didn't have any that I was particularly worried about. I was free to enjoy the springtime air, which is intoxicating in and of itself.

This year the freedom isn't so heady. I'm moving back to my parents house, with no job prospects in the offing, and no real idea of how I will occupy myself (and my checkbook) for the next two months. But that springtime air still does something to me. It makes me want to sleep with all the windows open, if not outside entirely. It stirs my creative juices, and makes me want to delve into a delicious new book. Though, I don't think anything will stir me the way Twilight did. I think I read it at the absolutely perfect time.

It makes me want to go to Red Cliffs with the gang, or down to St. George to enjoy the roses at the temple, with a trip to Larsens after. And most of all, it makes me want to hop in my car and drive forever--just keep on driving with the sun behind me and the wind in my hair. This is the power the season holds on me--and I don't mind one bit.

"I spent a summer with Superman"

On my bulletin board, I have a small hot pink sticky note that reads "CNF piece: 'I spent the summer with Superman'". I think it's from the summer before last, but I can't really remember. It was the summer when my Superman obsession reached its peak--but more than that, it was the summer I felt the intoxicating power of my own independence for the first time.

At this very moment, my roommate Nat is in the front room watching "Superman Returns", which I so subtly left in the DVD player for her after she expressed interest in it last night. She'd never seen it before, and I was happy to oblige. I wish I wasn't moving so soon, so I could also spread the love of "Smallville" which Gregory and I shared so ardently last fall.

I make no small mention of the fact that I am addicted to Superman. I don't know why, I've never really been able to explain it. There are other comic book heroes who appeal more to my usual taste in fictional characters--Batman comes immediately to mind, with other lesser-known superheroes cropping up behind. I usually go for the torn, anti-hero type.

But there's just something about Superman. Maybe in this case it is his seeming innocence that appeals to me. That and I love watching powerful characters fail. Sadistic, eh? My favorite part of "Superman Returns" is his fight with Lex, and then when he returns to fight again. He fails, but he doesn't relent--as masochistic as it is, he goes back for more until the job is done. Only a superhero.

Have you ever noticed just how many 'powers' Superman actually has? We associate him with the power of flight, but that's only the beginning. To this day, I remember discussing Flight versus Invisibility in Dr. Peterson's English 2010 class my very first semester of college. Which would you rather have? This association with Superman is lacking, because that's all you get--just flight. No superstrength, etc. Have you ever noticed how much Spiderman bleeds in his movies? Even Bruce Wayne gets those nasty bruises. But Superman's only flaw is kryptonite (granted, it crops up a lot more than you might expect, especially in "Smallville"). He's got flight, strength, speed, super hearing and sight, he can knock down buildings with the power of his breath, and there's that heat vision, too. Not to mention to force of his good looks! Superman is the ultimate package deal. Is it any wonder I'm addicted?

The Nature of my Passion for Theatre

This spawns from a conversation I had with my mother Monday night. We were talking about why it wasn't entirely a bad thing that I didn't get into grad school--but that is not the point here. Let me explain.

My passion for theatre is not just about doing shows. If that were the case, I would have attached myself to a community theatre four months ago, and would be perfectly happy wiling away the hours for no money, but plenty of enjoyment. But that's not it. My passion for theatre (and I'm sure many of my theatre friends would agree with me) stems from the challenge.

Sure, we could do Seussical and The Importance of Being Earnest until our hair falls out, but there's very little challenge in many shows. I felt that in high school--once a year, my drama teacher would do a big musical with every student she could cast, and very little effort on anybody's part. Sure, it was a lot of work, a lot of time, but it didn't take soul. That's what I'm talking about.

These little community theaters don't often have it. They are trying to make a profit, trying to stay on their feet, so they do fun family shows that bring in the audiences. Around here, anyway--but that's Utah for you. They're not pushing artistic boundaries in any way, they're just trying to do a show with what little money and talent they have available to them. Now, this is no offense meant to community theatre--I practically grew up in one, and I would not love theatre the way I do without that experience. But I'm an adult now, and I've learned what I want.

Theatre is meant to push boundaries. It is meant to make people think. That's why it's there. If you just want entertainment, you might as well go to the movies. Live theatre, in its nature pushes boundaries simply by nature of having real people right in front of you. Theatre is supposed to cause the audience to reflect, to take what they see and apply it in some small way to their own lives. And as is very frequently the case, they often do so by affecting your sensibilities.

I'm a good Mormon girl. I try not to swear, I try not to be vulgar, I try to leave certain things, certain topics alone. But some of the most profound theatrical experiences I have had, have come from watching or working on shows that offend my sensibilities--Sticks and Bones or The Pillowman. Sometimes it's not even a matter of sensibilities, but rather shows that challenge artistically, like Henry V or Shooting Stars. Anybody in those shows will attest that they were an entirely different experience from How to Succeed or Lend Me a Tenor. All shows have the capacity to be good. Most shows have the capacity to be challenging. But only some shows have soul.

Okay, now that I've insulted half of you by dissing your favorite shows, hear me out. I liked those shows too. But there is something different that I am trying to achieve. It's not enough for me just to do shows. I--like many of you--give every show I work on everything I have to offer, heart and soul and blood. It is only rewarding when I get something back, when I feel like I have truly achieved something at the end. Otherwise, you just end up feeling drained and resentful. Haven't you ever felt that way at the end of a show? If not, I think you must be on something. It happens that way all the time, because not every show can be so rewarding, or the world would explode.

Nevertheless, this is what I seek. The challenge.

Just doing theatre isn't it. Just getting a job at some theatre somewhere isn't it. Sure, I could do that. I could live out of my suitcase for five years, jumping from theatre to theatre, and at the end of it, feeling pretty much the same as I do now. That's not the life for me. I applaud those of you for whom nothing appeals more. I thought it would, too, but I've gotten a few months under my belt and I have a better picture of 'real life' than I ever did before I graduated. I have a better picture of what I want out of my life.

I've talked to a few people about possibly going back to school to get my teaching license, and teaching high school drama. Generally, my theatre friends don't seem to like this idea--they seem to think I'm settling, that I'm not reaching for my dreams the way they want me to. But I can see the potential in teaching--the potential challenge.

It's not going to be for me, personally. I would never reach my artistic potential. That's not the point. But do you realize, that rather than just direct The Music Man every year, I could help those kids find their challenge, find the soul in those shows--every year! Every year its a new journey, a new challenge, and new experiment to find what means soul to those kids. That's what my drama teacher did for me. God bless Syd Riggs, who showed hundreds of kids at Orem High what it meant to produce art, rather than just having a good time! So many people tell me, "Oh yeah, I did drama in high school," but in the end it didn't mean anything more than being a part of something, having friends. That's good too, but there is something more that can be achieved, if the teacher will only try.

I'm not sure I'll go back to school for that, I'm not sure I'm up to being a teacher. I haven't made that decision yet. But that's why it appeals to me. I'm not settling--I'm striving to find potential in a life that will give me what I want out of my life. But that's another story.