Forward and Back

It doesn't make sense to avoid happy things. Even when there is a projection of happiness waning, it just doesn't make sense to leave happiness behind prematurely. Especially when you can't clearly define what you're exchanging it for.

What is happiness?
What is contentment?
What is satisfaction?

I've been trying to answer these questions for myself. I've been job-hunting like you wouldn't believe, applying everywhere and anywhere--regional theatres, tours, off-Broadway; seasonal, conservatory, anything that smells like theatre and pays enough to pay rent. To be honest, I'm not having a whole lot of luck. Of course I'm discouraged, though I have the willpower to buck myself up every day and keep looking.

But I question myself. I've been very happy these last few weeks; I've spent a lot of time with friends who I didn't realize I missed so much. Good friends; bless them--guy friends. I've been dating for the first time in months. I'm bored, of course, but that's the holidays.

I could be content here. But could I be happy?

I could get a job--a "real" job, as I've been calling them--I could get an apartment in SLC or Provo, I could spend time with these friends before they all get married and the ones who already are start having kids. There's still time left in this part of our lives, and I could be here to enjoy it.

But could I be happy?

It goes back to the questions--what is happiness? I've always understood happiness to be more of a fleeting thing, but that contentment and peace are more long-lasting. They're what really mean something. A deep-rooted satisfaction is more pleasing that a transitory happiness.

And that leads to a deeper question that I never seem able to answer for myself. What do I want out of my life? It is a question I imagine haunts us all, at one point or every. For me, it comes down to the same question, every time: theatre or religion? Don't judge me! I feel your judgment. ;) It's not a simple thing, but I can ream it all down to that. I can pursue the theatre, my career, my individual life, that set of passions. Or, I can pursue what I see as my religion--a marriage, children, a settled life among friends and family. Another set of passions, though not as strong now, perhaps they could be.

Whitnee and Michael were married today. There was such...joy. Everyone there was just so happy for them. And despite the minor annoyances of wedding-day, they both were so happy. Nothing could interfere with their joy--this was exactly what they both wanted and needed, and they seemed so...fulfilled. Content. Satisfied. And happy.

I fear that I'm losing my drive. I fear that I'll hate myself forever if I don't pursue these dreams of mine, this passion for stage management, the craving for adventure across the face of the nation. There are sacrifices to be made on either side of my little fence. And I have no idea what I want.